Dealing with a wife who requests divorce and pleasing her with kind words
Machine translationRead the Arabic original
The questioner:
The presenter: I have a wife, and I provide for her clothing, food, drink, and housing, but she asks me for [something] and I am unable to provide it. Problems occur between us daily, and I have come to dislike entering the home because of her. She has asked me for a divorce while she is in her ninth month of pregnancy. I am an employee, and I have done the impossible to please her, but she refuses. Please advise us, may Allah reward you with good.
The Shaykh:
A man of sound mind and noble character is helped by Allah to please his wife with kind words, sweet and pleasant phrases, good conduct, and a good relationship, and then things settle down. A woman is weak; when she sees gentleness, kindness, a good relationship, soft speech, and good promises from her husband, her character improves and her affairs become straight. But with violence, harshness, arrogance, and indifference to her words, this only makes the mud stickier and causes problems to lengthen and persist. Yes. A man should have softness, compassion, gentleness, and good speech and manner. "Good news," if Allah wills, things will become easy. "Good news to me," if Allah wills, things will become easy. "Good news, O daughter of so-and-so, O mother of so-and-so, good news." Kind words, a good tongue, even if it involves lying, it does no harm. There is no harm in pleasing her and lying until Allah opens the door for him and he is safe. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her), the daughter of Abu Bakr, narrated that she heard the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) say: "Lying is permissible in three cases." She said, "I did not hear a dispensation for lying except in three cases," then she mentioned the three: the hadith of a man and his wife, and a woman and her husband. The first is in war, the second is in reconciliation between people, and the third is in the hadith of a man and his wife, and a woman and her husband. So there is no harm in him telling her something and lying, or her telling him something and lying, if it concerns their private matters and what pleases one of them regarding the other. He says, "I will do this, I will buy you this, I will do that, I will do that, we will buy a house, we will buy a suitable house," meaning he makes good promises, even if in his intention he will not fulfill them because he is unable to, but it is for the sake of pleasing hearts, for the sake of kindness, for the sake of gentleness, and for the sake of fulfilling desires, even with kind words, until Allah (Exalted and Majestic is He) opens the door. And the most important thing is all of it: softness of character, good character, kind speech, and not resorting to harshness. Yes.
Another questioner:
No, no, no, no, I will not leave, O Shaykh.
The Shaykh:
Yes.
Another questioner:
Let the first one leave.
The Shaykh:
If she does not call for a need, there is no need to lie, but if she calls for a need, there is no harm.
The presenter: I have a wife, and I provide for her clothing, food, drink, and housing, but she asks me for [something] and I am unable to provide it. Problems occur between us daily, and I have come to dislike entering the home because of her. She has asked me for a divorce while she is in her ninth month of pregnancy. I am an employee, and I have done the impossible to please her, but she refuses. Please advise us, may Allah reward you with good.
The Shaykh:
A man of sound mind and noble character is helped by Allah to please his wife with kind words, sweet and pleasant phrases, good conduct, and a good relationship, and then things settle down. A woman is weak; when she sees gentleness, kindness, a good relationship, soft speech, and good promises from her husband, her character improves and her affairs become straight. But with violence, harshness, arrogance, and indifference to her words, this only makes the mud stickier and causes problems to lengthen and persist. Yes. A man should have softness, compassion, gentleness, and good speech and manner. "Good news," if Allah wills, things will become easy. "Good news to me," if Allah wills, things will become easy. "Good news, O daughter of so-and-so, O mother of so-and-so, good news." Kind words, a good tongue, even if it involves lying, it does no harm. There is no harm in pleasing her and lying until Allah opens the door for him and he is safe. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said that Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her), the daughter of Abu Bakr, narrated that she heard the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) say: "Lying is permissible in three cases." She said, "I did not hear a dispensation for lying except in three cases," then she mentioned the three: the hadith of a man and his wife, and a woman and her husband. The first is in war, the second is in reconciliation between people, and the third is in the hadith of a man and his wife, and a woman and her husband. So there is no harm in him telling her something and lying, or her telling him something and lying, if it concerns their private matters and what pleases one of them regarding the other. He says, "I will do this, I will buy you this, I will do that, I will do that, we will buy a house, we will buy a suitable house," meaning he makes good promises, even if in his intention he will not fulfill them because he is unable to, but it is for the sake of pleasing hearts, for the sake of kindness, for the sake of gentleness, and for the sake of fulfilling desires, even with kind words, until Allah (Exalted and Majestic is He) opens the door. And the most important thing is all of it: softness of character, good character, kind speech, and not resorting to harshness. Yes.
Another questioner:
No, no, no, no, I will not leave, O Shaykh.
The Shaykh:
Yes.
Another questioner:
Let the first one leave.
The Shaykh:
If she does not call for a need, there is no need to lie, but if she calls for a need, there is no harm.
Source
ندوات الجامع الكبير مع الأسئلة - 55 — archive.org (1:07:42)
The Arabic text is a machine transcription of the audio recording.