What is the ruling on the gathering of the deceased's family for condolences at the cemetery, and what is the manner of offering condolences?

The questioner : Honorable Shaykh, what is the ruling on the family of the deceased gathering at the cemetery in an organized row, with people coming to offer their condolences as is currently being done?

The Shaykh : The people gather for condolences in this manner intending to make it easier for those who wish to offer condolences, so that they do not scatter throughout the cemetery and people have to ask, "Where is so-and-so? Where is so-and-so?"
They say they form this row because it is easier, but what should not be done is for these condolers, when they pass by the group, to rub their chests and kiss them. There is no basis for this; there is no kissing in condolences, nor rubbing of the chest. Furthermore, condolences are for the bereaved, whether they are a relative, a colleague, a friend, or otherwise. Anyone who is struck by a calamity is offered condolences. The meaning of condolences is to use words that strengthen the resolve of this bereaved person to be patient. This is what is intended by condolences. How excellent was the condolence offered by the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) to one of his daughters when he said to the man she sent to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him): The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to this man, "Tell her to be patient and to seek reward from Allah, for ."
This is the beneficial condolence. As for the condolence found among some people, they use words that incite sadness. "May Allah magnify your reward for your father, who brings you bread, food, and clothing, pays the rent, and brings the car. May Allah magnify your reward for this deceased." This increases their sadness rather than alleviating it. This adds to their grief. Therefore, it is forbidden to offer condolences in such a manner. 'Ali ibn 'Aqil (may Allah have mercy on him), one of the Hanbali jurists, went out for the funeral of his eldest son, who was a student of knowledge and beloved by his father and the people. When the son was buried, or perhaps before he was buried, the point is that at the cemetery, a man shouted at the top of his voice and said, the Muslims. He meant that he wished to be a ransom for this son so that he would remain for his elderly father. When the people heard this verse, they cried out in weeping. Ibn 'Aqil (may Allah have mercy on him) stood up and said, "O this one, the Qur'an was revealed to alleviate sorrows and remove sorrows, not to incite sorrows. You have now incited the sorrows of the people, so reflect on this." A man brought a verse from the Qur'an and was told such a thing, yes, because he brought it and thereby incited the sorrows of the people. Thus, some people at a condolence use words that agitate the bereaved, increasing their weeping and sadness. They do not say to him, "My brother, be patient and seek reward from Allah, for from Him is the origin and to Him is the return ." They do not say it this way. Also, in some regions,
some make the days of condolence like the days of a wedding. The people gather in a large assembly, in tents, with lights and illumination, inside and outside, with coffee being poured and tea being drunk, and so on. The days of death become like days of joy, so much so that passersby say, "Is this a wedding or what?" because many people gather. And with this, sometimes they bring a reciter to recite the Qur'an. And what do you know about this reciter? A reciter who recites every letter with a trill. Yes, he does not recite without a trill.
This reciter who recites for money commits a sin, because he has sold the work of the Hereafter for the compensation of this world. And not a single letter's reward from his recitation reaches the deceased, because he has no reward unless his reward is for the deceased. So what is the benefit? Tell me, what is the benefit of this reciter whom we brought to recite and gave a lot of money, while he has no reward and no reward for the deceased? What is the benefit? It is a waste of time and treating the great Qur'an as a commodity to be bought and sold. And it is a waste of money, which may belong to small orphans who need it. And Allah the Exalted said, And He the Exalted said, And I am amazed by the action of these people.
This action, even though they do not increase in good and the deceased does not benefit from it. Indeed, it is established from the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) . This is established . This was narrated from the hadith of 'Umar and his son, and a large group of the Companions. And 'Aisha's (may Allah be pleased with her) denial of it is countered by the affirmation of 'Umar and his son, and the affirmer takes precedence over the denier, because the denier has nothing but lack of knowledge, while the affirmer has knowledge. And the torment that befalls the deceased due to the weeping of his family over him: some scholars said that this is specific to the disbeliever, and this is what 'Aisha understood. She said that the disbeliever is tormented by the weeping of his family over him, and not the believer. Because if the believer were tormented by the action of another, this would contradict the saying of Allah the Exalted, But by Allah, O those who understand, do we escape by interpreting the hadith as applying to the disbeliever from citing this verse, or do we not escape? We do not escape, because the disbeliever will be tormented by the action of another. So if there is a contradiction with the verse, it is established whether the hadith is interpreted as applying to the disbeliever or to the Muslim. And some scholars said that this is for a deceased person who instructed his family to weep over him. But this is also contrary to the apparent meaning of the hadith, because the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) is undoubtedly the most knowledgeable of creation, do you agree? The most knowledgeable of creation regarding the Shari'ah of Allah. And undoubtedly he is the most sincere of creation to creation, do you disagree on this? No, you agree. And undoubtedly he is the most eloquent of creation in speech and the greatest of them in rhetoric.
And undoubtedly he is also the most truthful of creation. Do you agree on this? Good, how many descriptions have we mentioned? Stop.

Another questioner : The most truthful and the most eloquent.

The Shaykh : Sit down, sit down.

Another questioner : And the most sincere to creation and the most eloquent to creation.

The Shaykh : What is it? No. The most truthful. The most knowledgeable, the most truthful, the most sincere, and the most eloquent. Good. In his speech (peace and blessings be upon him), all the conditions for acceptance are present: the perfection of knowledge, the perfection of truthfulness, the perfection of lineage, and the perfection of eloquence. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, and he did not say "if he instructed them to do so." If the condition for torment were the instruction, would he not have said it? The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) would have said it, because this is the requirement of truthfulness, sincerity, and eloquence. He would have said "if he instructed them to do so," because adding "if he instructed them to do so" is necessary here so that people do not suspect something other than the intention of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him). Good. And some scholars said the hadith is interpreted as applying to a deceased person whose family was accustomed to weeping over their dead, so he is tormented if he did not stop them. This is different from the first one. What did the first one say? "If he instructed them to do so." This one did not instruct them to do so, but it is known from the custom of his family that they weep over the deceased, and he did not instruct them not to do so. So his leaving the instruction caused him to be tormented by their weeping, because it was obligatory for him, when this was the custom of his family, to advise them and stop them from it. And this is also like the one before it.
If the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) had intended this, he would have said, "He is tormented by the weeping of his family over him if he was pleased with it." The first one we said, "He is tormented by the weeping of his family over him if he instructed them to do so." This one we say, "He is tormented by the weeping of his family over him if he was pleased with it." How many opinions have we mentioned? Three: interpreting it as applying to the disbeliever, to the one who instructed them to do so, and to the one who was pleased with it.
The fourth opinion is that the hadith is to be understood in a correct sense in its general application, which is that the deceased is tormented by the weeping of his family. This is not a torment of punishment, but a torment of pain and distress. And what is he punished with? He is not punished, neither with fire, nor with the tightening of his grave, nor with anything else. But he feels pain and suffers. We often say, "My conscience tormented me." Did the conscience take a hammer and hit you? No. It took a red-hot iron and started branding you, but... What does "my conscience tormented me" mean? It means it pained me and exhausted me, right? This is well known. In fact, there is a hadith that testifies to this. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Choose your head so it does not fall off." The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: And is the traveler ever punished? No, but he is distressed. He is distressed about the journey. Even if he travels on a comfortable plane, he is in a state of distress. He fears, "What if the plane crashes?" He fears that the plane will crash, or that it will not land safely, or that it will arrive at a country... Just as if he traveled on a camel, he would be in distress, would he not? He has worry, suffering, and fatigue. In any case, the torment mentioned in the hadith is not a torment of punishment, but a torment of suffering. Do those who are weeping and holding these mourning ceremonies not know that the deceased is suffering now? He is suffering in his grave, pained by this action. Even if he is not being punished by Allah, he is in pain. If it were said to those who held these mourning ceremonies, "Your father, my brothers, is suffering now. He is exhausted in his grave," would they be pleased or allow themselves to hold these mourning ceremonies? Absolutely not. It is impossible, unless they are among the most undutiful of people toward their father. If they are among the most undutiful of people toward their father, perhaps they would be pleased. But if they wish to be dutiful to their father, and they believe in Allah and the Last Day, and they believe in the Messenger of Allah and his report, their souls will not justify to them doing an act that causes their deceased to suffer in his grave. In any case, we have lengthened our discussion on this issue because people are in great need of it. And I fear that it will spread among the Muslims without them realizing it. Satan, in reality, follows the person. Sometimes he comes to him from the side of emotion, and sometimes from the side of truth. It is strange that some people say that if they do not hold these mourning ceremonies, people will say, "He was happy about his father's death." This is what Allah willed. He was happy about his father's death; he did not hold a mourning ceremony for him. Is this correct?
This is a lie. This is from the Shaytan. The one who did not hold the funeral is the one who was truly dutiful to his father, and this is the one who truly followed the Shari'ah of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and this is the one who stayed away from these innovations that are not from the practice of the righteous Salaf. And this one who did not hold the funeral is the one who rested himself and rested others, preserved the deceased's wealth, and was safe from sin. This is the reality in truth.