What are the Shari'ah guidelines for looking at a prospective bride?
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The questioner : He says:The questioner : I wish to look at my prospective bride, so what are the Shari'ah guidelines regarding this? May Allah reward you with good.
The Shaykh : Yes, we say that looking at a prospective bride is a recommended practice (sunnah). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) commanded it, especially in our time, because few women are trustworthy in the eyes of a man. A woman may go and be proposed to a man, and she comes to him and says, "I have proposed a woman to you who is the moon on the night of the full moon." But when he enters into marriage with her, she turns out to be one of the ugliest women in the world. This is something that happens, because one who has no trustworthiness and no religion finds it easy to deceive people. Then, suppose a man sends a trustworthy woman, such as his mother or his sister or the like, and she does not deceive him, people still differ. A woman may be beautiful to one person and not beautiful to another. Desires differ, and perception differs. For this reason, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) commanded the suitor to look at what would encourage him to proceed with the proposal from his prospective bride, except that the scholars stipulated conditions for this, conditions indicated by the Sunnah.
The first condition is that he must have a firm desire to marry, and his intention must not be to tour the women of the world as if he wants to choose a slave to buy. He says, "I will go to the family of so-and-so and propose to them, and if they are generous, fine, otherwise I will go to the second, the third, and the fourth." It must be as if he wants to buy a car from a showroom. He must have a firm resolve to propose to this one from these people.
The second condition is that he must be confident that they will agree. This is known: if they allow him to look at her, they are in agreement. This condition applies only if a man wants to look at a woman without an agreement with her family.
The third condition is that it must be without seclusion (khalwah). He should look at her in the presence of her family. It is not permissible to look at her in seclusion, because the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him and his family) said:Sahih Muslim 1341a and he informed that whoever is in seclusion with a woman who is not a relative of his, the third of them is Satan.
The fourth condition is that the looking should be at what is usually exposed, not at the private parts ('awrah), such as the face and the head, including the hair, the hands, the forearms, the feet, and the lower legs, and the like. He should not look at anything else.
The fifth condition is that he should not take pleasure in conversing with her, whether it is pleasure of enjoyment or pleasure of lust. The difference between them is that pleasure of enjoyment is when a person finds psychological comfort in conversing with a woman, and pleasure of lust is when he feels an arousal of desire. It is not permissible to converse with his prospective bride for the sake of enjoyment, whether it is pleasure of enjoyment or pleasure of lust. It has reached me that some suitors call their prospective brides on the telephone and stay with them, not for an hour or two, but for hours, talking to them. Some people justify this action by saying, "I talk to her to know her personality, and to know her certificate, and to know her studies." My brother, be patient until the contract is concluded for you, and then talk to her all night and day, except for the obligatory prayers, which are necessary. As for talking to a woman who is a stranger to you, because she is a stranger like the one in the market, this is not permissible. The Shari'ah has excepted something from what is forbidden, and this is a rule that a student of knowledge must know: "When the Lawgiver excepts something from what is forbidden, the dispensation is limited to the extent of what was excepted only". And what was excepted regarding the stranger woman who is a prospective bride? It is looking. As for talking to her, this is not permissible. Yes.
The Shaykh : Yes, we say that looking at a prospective bride is a recommended practice (sunnah). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) commanded it, especially in our time, because few women are trustworthy in the eyes of a man. A woman may go and be proposed to a man, and she comes to him and says, "I have proposed a woman to you who is the moon on the night of the full moon." But when he enters into marriage with her, she turns out to be one of the ugliest women in the world. This is something that happens, because one who has no trustworthiness and no religion finds it easy to deceive people. Then, suppose a man sends a trustworthy woman, such as his mother or his sister or the like, and she does not deceive him, people still differ. A woman may be beautiful to one person and not beautiful to another. Desires differ, and perception differs. For this reason, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) commanded the suitor to look at what would encourage him to proceed with the proposal from his prospective bride, except that the scholars stipulated conditions for this, conditions indicated by the Sunnah.
The first condition is that he must have a firm desire to marry, and his intention must not be to tour the women of the world as if he wants to choose a slave to buy. He says, "I will go to the family of so-and-so and propose to them, and if they are generous, fine, otherwise I will go to the second, the third, and the fourth." It must be as if he wants to buy a car from a showroom. He must have a firm resolve to propose to this one from these people.
The second condition is that he must be confident that they will agree. This is known: if they allow him to look at her, they are in agreement. This condition applies only if a man wants to look at a woman without an agreement with her family.
The third condition is that it must be without seclusion (khalwah). He should look at her in the presence of her family. It is not permissible to look at her in seclusion, because the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him and his family) said:
No person should be alone with a woman
لا يخلون رجل بامرأةThe fourth condition is that the looking should be at what is usually exposed, not at the private parts ('awrah), such as the face and the head, including the hair, the hands, the forearms, the feet, and the lower legs, and the like. He should not look at anything else.
The fifth condition is that he should not take pleasure in conversing with her, whether it is pleasure of enjoyment or pleasure of lust. The difference between them is that pleasure of enjoyment is when a person finds psychological comfort in conversing with a woman, and pleasure of lust is when he feels an arousal of desire. It is not permissible to converse with his prospective bride for the sake of enjoyment, whether it is pleasure of enjoyment or pleasure of lust. It has reached me that some suitors call their prospective brides on the telephone and stay with them, not for an hour or two, but for hours, talking to them. Some people justify this action by saying, "I talk to her to know her personality, and to know her certificate, and to know her studies." My brother, be patient until the contract is concluded for you, and then talk to her all night and day, except for the obligatory prayers, which are necessary. As for talking to a woman who is a stranger to you, because she is a stranger like the one in the market, this is not permissible. The Shari'ah has excepted something from what is forbidden, and this is a rule that a student of knowledge must know: "When the Lawgiver excepts something from what is forbidden, the dispensation is limited to the extent of what was excepted only". And what was excepted regarding the stranger woman who is a prospective bride? It is looking. As for talking to her, this is not permissible. Yes.