What is the ruling if the request of the father conflicts with the request of the mother?
Machine translationRead the Arabic original
The questioner : Well, if the request of the father conflicts with the request of the mother? For example, they are separated; she says, "Live with me," and the father says, "Do not live with me," and they are in two different countries? This is one of the scenarios that occurs.
The Shaykh : And we have been asked about it.
The questioner: Yes.
The Shaykh : Yes, look, the Sunnah here means the ears of the student of knowledge open up and the circle of his sound thinking expands. Do you know the constant disagreement among jurists regarding: if a man divorces his wife, to whom does the child belong? So they set an age and said that at this age the child belongs to the mother, and if he exceeds this age, he belongs to the father.
The Shaykh : There is a hadith in the Sunan that the child is given the choice between the father and the mother. So if one agrees, this is attached to the fact that he may not be of discernment. So a fortiori, if he is not aware and rational, then this son is required to study the matter and look at which of the two parents is more in need of him than the other, and he goes with the one who is more in need, whether it is the father or the mother. Some students, and even scholars, may find this hadith difficult, asking: how is the matter left to a small child who does not know his own interest! The truth is, I have seen, as is always the case with the Sunnah, that it contains knowledge.
The Shaykh : It is also unreasonable to say that these years are such-and-such, and to distinguish between the male and the female. So I found this text that came in the Sunnah to be most like the drawing of lots that is used to remove a problem when there is no proof or legal evidence for resolving the disagreement. If it is drawing of lots, then the child is better off with drawing of lots, because what is drawing of lots? It is any method, such as writing a name or something similar, and that becomes the way out. So a fortiori, if there is an older son who is lost between the two parents, each of them pulling him toward themselves, and the question that came to me about a week ago says:The questioner : My father divorced my mother and married another woman, and he is living with her, and I am living with my mother, and my father wants me to live with him. What do I do? Meaning, he will not be pleased with either party joining the other. So I answered him with this answer: You look at who is more in need of you to be with them. And from another angle, I reminded him of the saying of the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), as in the two Sahihs, from the hadith of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him): .
The Shaykh : So if companionship is sought, the mother is more entitled to it as well.
The questioner : More entitled to companionship, but what about obedience?
The Shaykh : Obedience is also within the limits I mentioned just now, because here companionship cannot be separated; meaning, he is either with his father or with his mother.
The questioner : But regarding them, but if the matter is in a command issued to him that does not concern them and they conflict, not concerning them?
The Shaykh : This is a question different from the previous one, or did I misunderstand?
The questioner : No, this is in understanding the word "my companionship."
The Shaykh : Ah, no, it has no relation to the previous question.
The questioner: No.
The Shaykh : Yes, repeat it for me.
The questioner : If a command was issued to him, for example, in this scenario, his mother said to him, "Build a house," and his father said, "Do not build."
The Shaykh : Yes, exactly.
The questioner : This is a command that does not concern his companionship with his mother or his father.
The Shaykh : Yes, it concerns obedience exactly as we said.
The questioner : If it were another scenario different from this one?
The Shaykh : I want to clarify this issue; it must be looked at. If one of the parents has an interest in obedience, then in that case, obedience is to the father.
The questioner: Yes.
The Shaykh : Yes, exactly.
The Shaykh : And we have been asked about it.
The questioner: Yes.
The Shaykh : Yes, look, the Sunnah here means the ears of the student of knowledge open up and the circle of his sound thinking expands. Do you know the constant disagreement among jurists regarding: if a man divorces his wife, to whom does the child belong? So they set an age and said that at this age the child belongs to the mother, and if he exceeds this age, he belongs to the father.
The Shaykh : There is a hadith in the Sunan that the child is given the choice between the father and the mother. So if one agrees, this is attached to the fact that he may not be of discernment. So a fortiori, if he is not aware and rational, then this son is required to study the matter and look at which of the two parents is more in need of him than the other, and he goes with the one who is more in need, whether it is the father or the mother. Some students, and even scholars, may find this hadith difficult, asking: how is the matter left to a small child who does not know his own interest! The truth is, I have seen, as is always the case with the Sunnah, that it contains knowledge.
The Shaykh : It is also unreasonable to say that these years are such-and-such, and to distinguish between the male and the female. So I found this text that came in the Sunnah to be most like the drawing of lots that is used to remove a problem when there is no proof or legal evidence for resolving the disagreement. If it is drawing of lots, then the child is better off with drawing of lots, because what is drawing of lots? It is any method, such as writing a name or something similar, and that becomes the way out. So a fortiori, if there is an older son who is lost between the two parents, each of them pulling him toward themselves, and the question that came to me about a week ago says:The questioner : My father divorced my mother and married another woman, and he is living with her, and I am living with my mother, and my father wants me to live with him. What do I do? Meaning, he will not be pleased with either party joining the other. So I answered him with this answer: You look at who is more in need of you to be with them. And from another angle, I reminded him of the saying of the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him), as in the two Sahihs, from the hadith of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him):
Who among people is most entitled to my good companionship? He said: Your mother. He said: Then who? He said: Your mother. In the fourth instance, he said: Then your father.
من أحق الناس بحسن صحابتي أو صحبتي؟ فقال: أمك قال: ثم من؟ قال: أمك. في الرابعة قال: ثم من أبوكThe Shaykh : So if companionship is sought, the mother is more entitled to it as well.
The questioner : More entitled to companionship, but what about obedience?
The Shaykh : Obedience is also within the limits I mentioned just now, because here companionship cannot be separated; meaning, he is either with his father or with his mother.
The questioner : But regarding them, but if the matter is in a command issued to him that does not concern them and they conflict, not concerning them?
The Shaykh : This is a question different from the previous one, or did I misunderstand?
The questioner : No, this is in understanding the word "my companionship."
The Shaykh : Ah, no, it has no relation to the previous question.
The questioner: No.
The Shaykh : Yes, repeat it for me.
The questioner : If a command was issued to him, for example, in this scenario, his mother said to him, "Build a house," and his father said, "Do not build."
The Shaykh : Yes, exactly.
The questioner : This is a command that does not concern his companionship with his mother or his father.
The Shaykh : Yes, it concerns obedience exactly as we said.
The questioner : If it were another scenario different from this one?
The Shaykh : I want to clarify this issue; it must be looked at. If one of the parents has an interest in obedience, then in that case, obedience is to the father.
The questioner: Yes.
The Shaykh : Yes, exactly.
Source
www.al-albany.com
The Arabic text is copied verbatim from the original source, without any edits.