Should I marry my cousin who does not attend Friday prayer or the congregational prayer, but I think if I marry him I will have an influence on him?
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The questioner : The honorable Shaykh (may Allah preserve him) — a message came from a sister asking, saying: My cousin has proposed to me for marriage, and here are some of his characteristics: he does not attend Friday prayer or the congregational prayer, and he is not committed to the Sunnah. I am confused about my situation: should I marry him or not? I think that if I marry him, I will have an influence on him. I ask for guidance for me and those like me: is it permissible to marry a man like this? May Allah preserve you.
The Shaykh : This is a strange and unusual question, but one must answer it, even if briefly:
This man, described with these characteristics, who does not pray Friday prayer or the congregational prayer, is at best an open sinner and not a suitable match for this woman, who appears to be among the committed believers. This is his best case. His worst case is that he is a disbeliever who has apostatized from his religion because he does not pray Friday prayer or the congregational prayer. However, this woman is entirely wrong when she thinks she can hold on to something that is lost and nonexistent, and does not look at the unfortunate reality. She thinks she can influence this man, whom we said is at least an open sinner, relying on her personality and the strength of her knowledge. Naturally, we do not know the extent of her knowledge, but her question indicates that she is among the women who have no knowledge. If she had some knowledge, she would not have asked such a question while knowing the saying of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him):Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1084Da'if (Darussalam) This is an address to those in authority to choose a righteous husband. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said in another hadith: If the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) commands those in authority to choose a righteous husband for the one under their authority, whether it is her guardian, his guardian for his daughter, his sister’s daughter, or the like, and on the other hand, he encourages men that the motive for choosing a woman should be that she is a religious woman, knowing that we all know what Allah (Blessed and Exalted is He) has instilled in men and their superiority over women by that, when He said: [An-Nisa 4:34] This questioner is overturning the system of the Shari'ah on one hand, and the system of natural reality on the other hand, because the man, even if he is an open sinner, is the one who has authority over the woman, and the woman is not the one who has authority over the man, even if she is righteous. Therefore, I rule, by deduction from the aforementioned evidence, that this woman and those like her, who are many unfortunately, and we have often heard news of a righteous woman marrying a bad young man, claiming that she will have an influence on him, and then the outcome was worse than she imagined:
Sometimes he influenced her and led her astray from her straight path. She used to observe seclusion, but he made her not observe seclusion. She used to pray the five daily prayers, but he made her not maintain them at least as she did before.
Or, if she remains firm in her religion, the result will be that she separates from him and he separates from her. Therefore, we advise, as we advise men to marry righteous women as you heard in the aforementioned hadiths, that it is even more necessary to advise women. We say to them: Beware, then beware, of marrying an open sinner, let alone a man who might be said to be a disbeliever. The general rule is that this weak woman cannot correct a strong man, especially if he is an open sinner and a transgressor.
The Shaykh : This is a strange and unusual question, but one must answer it, even if briefly:
This man, described with these characteristics, who does not pray Friday prayer or the congregational prayer, is at best an open sinner and not a suitable match for this woman, who appears to be among the committed believers. This is his best case. His worst case is that he is a disbeliever who has apostatized from his religion because he does not pray Friday prayer or the congregational prayer. However, this woman is entirely wrong when she thinks she can hold on to something that is lost and nonexistent, and does not look at the unfortunate reality. She thinks she can influence this man, whom we said is at least an open sinner, relying on her personality and the strength of her knowledge. Naturally, we do not know the extent of her knowledge, but her question indicates that she is among the women who have no knowledge. If she had some knowledge, she would not have asked such a question while knowing the saying of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him):
When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (Fitnah) in the land and abounding discord (Fasad).
إذا أتاكم مَن ترضون دينه وخُلُقه فزوجوه إلَّا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض وفسادٌ عريضA woman is married for four things: her wealth, her beauty, her lineage, and her religion. So stick to the one with religion, and may your hands be dust.
تنكح المرأة لأربع : لمالها ، وجمالها ، وحسبها ، ودينها فعليك بذات الدين تربت يداكMen are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other
الرجال قوَّامون على النساء بما فضل الله به بعضهم على بعضSometimes he influenced her and led her astray from her straight path. She used to observe seclusion, but he made her not observe seclusion. She used to pray the five daily prayers, but he made her not maintain them at least as she did before.
Or, if she remains firm in her religion, the result will be that she separates from him and he separates from her. Therefore, we advise, as we advise men to marry righteous women as you heard in the aforementioned hadiths, that it is even more necessary to advise women. We say to them: Beware, then beware, of marrying an open sinner, let alone a man who might be said to be a disbeliever. The general rule is that this weak woman cannot correct a strong man, especially if he is an open sinner and a transgressor.