If a young man proposes to a girl but her father refuses to let him see her on the grounds of custom, despite being convinced of that suitor
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The questioner : He says: O honorable Shaykh, if a man proposes to a woman and her father refuses to let the suitor see her, despite being convinced of that suitor, is it permissible for the father to refuse a matter established by the Shari'ah when he has no excuse other than that custom has not been followed in this way? Which is more deserving of being followed, custom or the Shari'ah? What is your advice to those fathers, especially since you know, may Allah guide you, that the outcome of the matter is happiness if the meeting takes place?
The Shaykh : You have heard the question now. If the suitor requests to see the prospective bride but the father refuses, we say that if he refuses, there is no sin on him, because the suitor looking at the prospective bride is either permissible according to the opinion of some scholars, or it is a recommended practice (sunnah). No scholar has said that it is obligatory, so that refusing his request would be a sin. However, we advise this one who prevented it; we advise him to enable the suitor to see the prospective bride so that she can also see him and be convinced of him, and he can see her and be convinced of her. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: meaning that they should be brought together. How many people have proposed to a woman without seeing her, and when he entered her home, he did not like her, so he remained confused: should he divorce her and lose this large amount of money? And she, if she is divorced based on the fact that the husband was not pleased with her, her prospects for marriage may also decrease. Seeing the prospective bride is recommended, but on the condition that he does not be alone with her, and that she does not go out adorned, perfumed, wearing makeup, or with kohl. She should go out in her natural state, because if she goes out to him adorned, wearing makeup, or with kohl, he might initially feel that she is one of the most beautiful of Adam's daughters, but when she returns to her natural state without this, she will appear much less in his eyes.
Also, he is not her husband yet, so she should not adorn herself for him. He is a stranger, so let her go out in her natural state.
Likewise, if he is pleased with her and the proposal is completed, the matter is finished; he should not speak to her. Some suitors speak to their prospective brides on the telephone, and you find him sitting with her for many hours, talking to her. If you tell him this is not permissible, that the woman is a stranger to him, how can he talk to her? He says, "I want to see the extent of her culture." How do you see the extent of her culture? Have you not proposed and been pleased with her? There is no need for culture if you want to marry her; marry her and talk to her as much as you wish. But talking to her while she is a stranger to you and the marriage contract has not been concluded, this is not permissible. Many people have been afflicted with this, and you find him opening the phone to her and talking to her for a whole night. He goes home, and the conversation with the friend kills the time. So we warn against this.
Likewise, some people ask: Is it permissible to give the prospective bride a picture of the suitor and give the suitor a picture of the prospective bride instead of looking at her directly? We say this is not permissible.
First: the picture does not give the complete truth. You might see a picture of a man and say, "What Allah willed, this is the best there is," but when you see him directly, he is different from the picture.
Then, there is a fear that the picture of the woman might become a toy in the hands of this man, in case he desires to leave her and abandon her. Therefore, we see that it is not permissible to exchange pictures between the suitor and the prospective bride. Rather, either the recommended practice (sunnah) is applied and he looks at her directly, or he sends someone he trusts to look at her and inform him of the news.
I say, send one of the women to her to look at her and clarify the matter. Yes.
The Shaykh : You have heard the question now. If the suitor requests to see the prospective bride but the father refuses, we say that if he refuses, there is no sin on him, because the suitor looking at the prospective bride is either permissible according to the opinion of some scholars, or it is a recommended practice (sunnah). No scholar has said that it is obligatory, so that refusing his request would be a sin. However, we advise this one who prevented it; we advise him to enable the suitor to see the prospective bride so that she can also see him and be convinced of him, and he can see her and be convinced of her. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
That is more likely to bring about affection between them.
إن ذلك أحرى أن يؤدم بينهماAlso, he is not her husband yet, so she should not adorn herself for him. He is a stranger, so let her go out in her natural state.
Likewise, if he is pleased with her and the proposal is completed, the matter is finished; he should not speak to her. Some suitors speak to their prospective brides on the telephone, and you find him sitting with her for many hours, talking to her. If you tell him this is not permissible, that the woman is a stranger to him, how can he talk to her? He says, "I want to see the extent of her culture." How do you see the extent of her culture? Have you not proposed and been pleased with her? There is no need for culture if you want to marry her; marry her and talk to her as much as you wish. But talking to her while she is a stranger to you and the marriage contract has not been concluded, this is not permissible. Many people have been afflicted with this, and you find him opening the phone to her and talking to her for a whole night. He goes home, and the conversation with the friend kills the time. So we warn against this.
Likewise, some people ask: Is it permissible to give the prospective bride a picture of the suitor and give the suitor a picture of the prospective bride instead of looking at her directly? We say this is not permissible.
First: the picture does not give the complete truth. You might see a picture of a man and say, "What Allah willed, this is the best there is," but when you see him directly, he is different from the picture.
Then, there is a fear that the picture of the woman might become a toy in the hands of this man, in case he desires to leave her and abandon her. Therefore, we see that it is not permissible to exchange pictures between the suitor and the prospective bride. Rather, either the recommended practice (sunnah) is applied and he looks at her directly, or he sends someone he trusts to look at her and inform him of the news.
I say, send one of the women to her to look at her and clarify the matter. Yes.