The Meaning, Manner, and Timing of Condolences
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Honorable Shaykh! What is the manner of condolences? Is it permissible to offer condolences to anyone other than the deceased’s closest relatives, colleagues, and neighbors? Is kissing or shaking hands when offering condolences prescribed? Is it permissible to offer condolences by telephone or by going to the home of the one offering them?And is it a hadith: (Condolences are only for the bereaved) or what? And what is its meaning?
Condolences are a confirmed recommended practice (sunnah) for the bereaved, whether from a relative, a friend, a colleague, or otherwise,And the meaning of condolences: to strengthen the bereaved to bear what has befallen him of what is disliked. This is condolence, and from it comes the word "al-‘azaz," meaning hardness. So it is as if you are hardening this man and strengthening him so that he does not become soft before this calamity, but rather remains strong. So whenever you see someone who has been afflicted with what is upon him, or has lost his beloved, or is ill, or otherwise, offer him condolences. The best formula for condolences is what the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to console with, one of his daughters, when he said to the messenger she sent to the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him and his family): (Tell her to be patient and to seek reward from Allah, for Allah is the owner of what He takes and what He leaves, and everything with Him is by a specified term) This is the best thing to say, and he may say an appropriate supplication, such as what is well-known among people today: May Allah magnify your reward, improve your consolation, and forgive your deceased, or other appropriate supplication.
As for kissing and shaking hands, these are not among the recommended practices (sunnah) of condolences, unless this is the first time you have met him, in which case you shake his hand; because what is prescribed upon meeting is shaking hands. But to make it a custom that it is among the recommended practices of condolences, this is a religious innovation (bid'ah); because whoever draws near to Allah the Mighty and Majestic with something that Allah has not prescribed is an innovator.
And as for its place: It does not have a specific place. Any place where you find the bereaved and feel that he is bereaved, you offer him condolences.
And as for its time: It was said that it is restricted to three days from the occurrence of the calamity,By relying on the saying of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): (It is not permissible for a woman to observe mourning for a deceased person for more than three days, except for her husband) But relying on this hadith as evidence is questionable; because the hadith is about mourning (iḥdād) and not about condolences,And the correct view is: That condolences are prescribed as long as the calamity remains. If he forgets it, or it is seen that he is not bereaved to that extent, then he is not offered condolences,But is condolence repeated in the sense of: If you offered him condolences today, then you see him the next day, do you repeat the condolences to him?I say: If a reason is found, then yes,For example: If you offered him condolences today and came to him the next day and found the man still sad and still crying, for example, I would say to him: My brother, fear Allah the Mighty and Majestic, and do not harm the deceased; because the deceased is punished by the weeping of his family over him. But it is not punishment as a penalty, but punishment as pain and distress of the soul, and the like of that.
So the summary is: It is not restricted to one person, but it includes every bereaved person. It is not restricted to a place, and it is not restricted to a time. As long as the effect of the calamity remains, offer him condolences. As for repeating it, as you know, if the need calls for it, otherwise do not repeat it.
The questioner: Condolences by telephone?The Shaykh: By whatever means it is done, condolences by telephone or by writing or by any means.
The questioner: And going to him?The Shaykh: We do not see going to him in the house;Because Jarir ibn Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with him) says: [We considered gathering with the family of the deceased and preparing food to be part of wailing] Unless he is very close, and you fear that if you do not go, they will consider it a severing of family ties, then that is another matter.
The questioner: And the hadith, O Shaykh, what is its authenticity?The Shaykh: This is not a hadith.
Condolences are a confirmed recommended practice (sunnah) for the bereaved, whether from a relative, a friend, a colleague, or otherwise,And the meaning of condolences: to strengthen the bereaved to bear what has befallen him of what is disliked. This is condolence, and from it comes the word "al-‘azaz," meaning hardness. So it is as if you are hardening this man and strengthening him so that he does not become soft before this calamity, but rather remains strong. So whenever you see someone who has been afflicted with what is upon him, or has lost his beloved, or is ill, or otherwise, offer him condolences. The best formula for condolences is what the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) used to console with, one of his daughters, when he said to the messenger she sent to the Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him and his family): (Tell her to be patient and to seek reward from Allah, for Allah is the owner of what He takes and what He leaves, and everything with Him is by a specified term) This is the best thing to say, and he may say an appropriate supplication, such as what is well-known among people today: May Allah magnify your reward, improve your consolation, and forgive your deceased, or other appropriate supplication.
As for kissing and shaking hands, these are not among the recommended practices (sunnah) of condolences, unless this is the first time you have met him, in which case you shake his hand; because what is prescribed upon meeting is shaking hands. But to make it a custom that it is among the recommended practices of condolences, this is a religious innovation (bid'ah); because whoever draws near to Allah the Mighty and Majestic with something that Allah has not prescribed is an innovator.
And as for its place: It does not have a specific place. Any place where you find the bereaved and feel that he is bereaved, you offer him condolences.
And as for its time: It was said that it is restricted to three days from the occurrence of the calamity,By relying on the saying of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him): (It is not permissible for a woman to observe mourning for a deceased person for more than three days, except for her husband) But relying on this hadith as evidence is questionable; because the hadith is about mourning (iḥdād) and not about condolences,And the correct view is: That condolences are prescribed as long as the calamity remains. If he forgets it, or it is seen that he is not bereaved to that extent, then he is not offered condolences,But is condolence repeated in the sense of: If you offered him condolences today, then you see him the next day, do you repeat the condolences to him?I say: If a reason is found, then yes,For example: If you offered him condolences today and came to him the next day and found the man still sad and still crying, for example, I would say to him: My brother, fear Allah the Mighty and Majestic, and do not harm the deceased; because the deceased is punished by the weeping of his family over him. But it is not punishment as a penalty, but punishment as pain and distress of the soul, and the like of that.
So the summary is: It is not restricted to one person, but it includes every bereaved person. It is not restricted to a place, and it is not restricted to a time. As long as the effect of the calamity remains, offer him condolences. As for repeating it, as you know, if the need calls for it, otherwise do not repeat it.
The questioner: Condolences by telephone?The Shaykh: By whatever means it is done, condolences by telephone or by writing or by any means.
The questioner: And going to him?The Shaykh: We do not see going to him in the house;Because Jarir ibn Abdullah (may Allah be pleased with him) says: [We considered gathering with the family of the deceased and preparing food to be part of wailing] Unless he is very close, and you fear that if you do not go, they will consider it a severing of family ties, then that is another matter.
The questioner: And the hadith, O Shaykh, what is its authenticity?The Shaykh: This is not a hadith.