What is the role of fathers regarding the marriage of their sons, and what is the role of fathers regarding the daughters they have in the problem of high mahr?
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The questioner : He says: May the Shaykh be respected, I am a young man who has not yet married, but my father, I am over twenty and under thirty, and I want to marry but I am unable to. So I ask Allah, then you, O respected Shaykh, in this blessed occasion, to call upon Allah for me and for my young brothers, so that Allah may open for us the doors of His mercy, and grant us lawful sustenance. What is the role of fathers toward us, the sons? And what is the role of fathers also toward the daughters they have in this problem of excessive mahr? May Allah make our relief and the relief of the Muslims through His grace and generosity, by your means, O respected Shaykh, in calling people to reduce mahr and helping their young brothers with this marriage.
The Shaykh : As for supplication, it is given. I advise my brother the questioner, and I advise him also to call upon Allah himself, for Allah the Exalted says in His Book:[Al-Baqarah 2:186] And He the Glorious and Exalted says: [Ghafir 40:60] And there is no doubt that the hardship, distress, and difficulty that befalls young people today in their inability to marry is certainly a sad matter, and its dire consequences are to be feared.
And I have two pieces of advice. The first piece of advice is for the young people: that they should be patient and ask Allah for help, and that He hasten for them the facilitation of matters, and that they await relief from Allah Mighty and Majestic.
And I also advise the fathers regarding their sons and daughters to fear Allah the Exalted in them, because if a father is able to marry his son, it is obligatory for him to marry him, just as it is obligatory for him to clothe him, feed him, give him drink, and house him. It is obligatory for him to marry him. And it is astonishing that there are wealthy fathers who, when the son says to him, "Marry me," he says, "No, I will not marry you. You work and marry yourself." Glory be to Allah, and the matter is in his hand. Are the dirhams found on the sands and the tops of the mountains? Never. Therefore, we see that the man who is able to marry his sons must marry them, and it is obligatory for him to do so. If he does not do it, he is an oppressor and a sinner. And I am not saying this from myself, but the scholars (may Allah have mercy on them) said it. They said: "It is obligatory for a man to chaste his sons just as it is obligatory for him to satisfy their hunger and thirst". In fact, the matter of marriage may be more dangerous because it may extend to others, causing them to become corrupt. Therefore, fathers must marry their sons if they are able.
The second piece of advice is for the fathers: there are people who have daughters, indeed many daughters, and yet when a suitable suitor comes, they reject him without consulting the daughter. This has happened often, and how many are the daughters who complain of this, that their father rejects suitable suitors without referring the matter to the proposed daughter. And this, by Allah, is a betrayal of trust. And Allah the Exalted said:[Al-Anfal 8:27-28] And the scholars (may Allah have mercy on them) mentioned "If the wali (guardian) of a woman prevents her from a suitor who is suitable in his religion and character, then his guardianship is dropped. And if he repeats this, then his integrity... " meaning that if a man proposes to him several times and he rejects the suitable ones, then by doing so he becomes an open sinner whose testimony is not accepted, and he has no guardianship. Indeed, the scholars said "It is not valid for him to be an imam for the people" because he is an open sinner where he has prevented his daughter from marriage. And yet his guardianship is dropped, and it is said that if he does not marry her, another wali will marry her, the one who follows him in the order of guardians. But the problem is that a woman cannot dare to bring the case to the judge so that her uncle marries her instead of her father. And I say that if this is not possible according to the custom of people, then the father will increase in sin because he is the one who prevented her right.
And it happened a few years ago that a girl was on the verge of death, and she was over thirty years old, and there were women nursing her. When death approached her, and she was in the process of dying, she said to them: "Convey my greetings to my father and tell him that he has wronged me by not marrying me. But I will stand, he and I, before Allah Mighty and Majestic." She said this in the process of dying, and perhaps she did not die except from grief because he prevented her right. So my advice now to the fathers is to fear Allah in their sons and daughters, to marry the sons if they are able, and to marry the daughters if suitable suitors propose to them.
But if the opinion of the father and the opinion of the daughter conflict, the father wants a person who is easygoing in his religion, even if he is not clearly religious, and the daughter wants a religious man, then whose opinion takes precedence? The daughter's or the father's? The daughter's, without doubt. Even if it is assumed that the one chosen by the father is wealthy and well-off, and the other is not, the opinion of the daughter takes precedence.
And if the matter is the reverse, the daughter chooses a suitor who is not suitable in his religion, and the father chooses a suitor who is suitable in his religion, whose opinion takes precedence? The father's. Therefore, if the father prevents his daughter when she says, "I do not want anyone but so-and-so," and so-and-so is not religious, and he says, "Absolutely, I will not marry so-and-so because he is not fit for marriage," and she dies without being married, is there sin on her father? No, because he prevented her with right, since she chose one who is not suitable and rejected one who is suitable. Yes.
The Shaykh : As for supplication, it is given. I advise my brother the questioner, and I advise him also to call upon Allah himself, for Allah the Exalted says in His Book:
And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me
وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إذا دعانAnd your Lord says, "Call upon Me; I will respond to you." Indeed, those who disdain My worship will enter Hell [rendered] contemptible.
وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ادْعُونِي أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ إِنَّ الَّذِينَ يَسْتَكْبِرُونَ عَنْ عِبَادَتِي سَيَدْخُلُونَ جَهَنَّمَ دَاخِرِينَAnd I have two pieces of advice. The first piece of advice is for the young people: that they should be patient and ask Allah for help, and that He hasten for them the facilitation of matters, and that they await relief from Allah Mighty and Majestic.
And I also advise the fathers regarding their sons and daughters to fear Allah the Exalted in them, because if a father is able to marry his son, it is obligatory for him to marry him, just as it is obligatory for him to clothe him, feed him, give him drink, and house him. It is obligatory for him to marry him. And it is astonishing that there are wealthy fathers who, when the son says to him, "Marry me," he says, "No, I will not marry you. You work and marry yourself." Glory be to Allah, and the matter is in his hand. Are the dirhams found on the sands and the tops of the mountains? Never. Therefore, we see that the man who is able to marry his sons must marry them, and it is obligatory for him to do so. If he does not do it, he is an oppressor and a sinner. And I am not saying this from myself, but the scholars (may Allah have mercy on them) said it. They said: "It is obligatory for a man to chaste his sons just as it is obligatory for him to satisfy their hunger and thirst". In fact, the matter of marriage may be more dangerous because it may extend to others, causing them to become corrupt. Therefore, fathers must marry their sons if they are able.
The second piece of advice is for the fathers: there are people who have daughters, indeed many daughters, and yet when a suitable suitor comes, they reject him without consulting the daughter. This has happened often, and how many are the daughters who complain of this, that their father rejects suitable suitors without referring the matter to the proposed daughter. And this, by Allah, is a betrayal of trust. And Allah the Exalted said:
(27) O you who have believed, do not betray Allah and the Messenger or betray your trusts while you know [the consequence]. (28) And know that your properties and your children are but a trial and that Allah has with Him a great reward.
يَاأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لَا تَخُونُوا اللَّهَ وَالرَّسُولَ وَتَخُونُوا أَمَانَاتِكُمْ وَأَنْتُمْ تَعْلَمُونَ * وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ عِنْدَهُ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌAnd it happened a few years ago that a girl was on the verge of death, and she was over thirty years old, and there were women nursing her. When death approached her, and she was in the process of dying, she said to them: "Convey my greetings to my father and tell him that he has wronged me by not marrying me. But I will stand, he and I, before Allah Mighty and Majestic." She said this in the process of dying, and perhaps she did not die except from grief because he prevented her right. So my advice now to the fathers is to fear Allah in their sons and daughters, to marry the sons if they are able, and to marry the daughters if suitable suitors propose to them.
But if the opinion of the father and the opinion of the daughter conflict, the father wants a person who is easygoing in his religion, even if he is not clearly religious, and the daughter wants a religious man, then whose opinion takes precedence? The daughter's or the father's? The daughter's, without doubt. Even if it is assumed that the one chosen by the father is wealthy and well-off, and the other is not, the opinion of the daughter takes precedence.
And if the matter is the reverse, the daughter chooses a suitor who is not suitable in his religion, and the father chooses a suitor who is suitable in his religion, whose opinion takes precedence? The father's. Therefore, if the father prevents his daughter when she says, "I do not want anyone but so-and-so," and so-and-so is not religious, and he says, "Absolutely, I will not marry so-and-so because he is not fit for marriage," and she dies without being married, is there sin on her father? No, because he prevented her with right, since she chose one who is not suitable and rejected one who is suitable. Yes.