We are residents of one of the villages, and the residents of this village have customs and traditions that still exist to this day, among which is that if a person intends to get married, the woman’s guardian is asked to...
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The questioner : We, O honorable Shaykh, are residents of one of the villages, and the residents of this village have customs and traditions that still exist to this day. They are that when a person intends to get married, the woman’s guardian asks him for a sum of about 100,000 riyals or 70,000 riyals, which goes to him and not to his daughter. The mother is given a sum of 20,000 to 50,000 riyals, in addition to the gold, which is set at about 60,000 to 80,000 riyals, as well as fabrics, foodstuffs, and sheep. In other words, the cost of the marriage comes to about 200,000 to 300,000 riyals. We do not approve of this situation, and when we advise them, they say: “This is necessary so that we can put on a good face before people with a large dowry.” We would like you, O honorable Shaykh, to kindly offer your advice to these people and guide them to the right path, may Allah reward you.
The Shaykh : I say that there is no doubt that exaggerating in the mahr (bridal gift) of women is contrary to the Sunnah, and that the Sunnah is to lighten the mahr. The easier the marriage is in terms of expense, the greater its blessing. The Rightly Guided Caliph 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) forbade exaggerating in the mahr of women. He said (may Allah be pleased with him): “O people! Do not exaggerate in the mahr of women”, meaning their mahr, “for if that were a merit or an act of piety, the most deserving of it would be the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him)”. There is no doubt that lightening the mahr is one of the causes of a good marital relationship, because if the mahr is large, whenever the husband remembers it, the woman becomes bitter to him and he regrets the exaggeration in the mahr that he did.
As for when the mahr is light, he will not have to swallow the bitterness of this mahr. There is no doubt also that if the mahr is large, this is one of the causes of harming the wife, because if the man gives her a large mahr and the relationship between them is not good, he will keep her in this bad relationship and she will hardly be able to separate from him, because he has lost a lot of money on her. You will find him holding onto her while harming her and treating her badly because of the large mahr he spent to obtain her. But if the mahr is light and the relationship between them is not good, it will be easy for him, if the situation cannot be fixed, to part with her and marry another.
Therefore, I advise these people mentioned by the questioner and their like to refrain from exaggerating in the mahr and making it large. I say to them: A man does not marry dirhams, he marries men. A large amount of money does not benefit him in marriage with any strength of love or good relationship; rather, it may be the opposite.
I also advise these people and their like not to take anything from the woman’s mahr, even if it is the daughter, because the mahr is the right of the wife and not the right of her father or her mother. This is based on the saying of Allah the Exalted:[An-Nisa 4:4] So Allah the Exalted attributed the mahr to the woman herself and made it clear that she is the one who disposes of it, as He said: [An-Nisa 4:4].
Yes, if it is assumed that after the contract is completed and the mahr is delivered, the daughter gives a gift to her father, or her mother, or her sister, or her maternal uncle, or her maternal aunt, or her paternal aunt, then there is nothing wrong with that. But to make that a condition on the husband at the time of acceptance, this is not permissible.
The questioner : O honorable Shaykh, the phrase of the father and mother to the son: “We want to put on a good face before people”. We also want a comment on this phrase?!
The Shaykh : This phrase of theirs: “We want to put on a good face before people”, in reality, reveals a weakness of character and a failure to face people with what is better. What a person should do to put on a good face is to follow what is better and more beneficial for creation. If people were to trade in these matters, there would be no end to them and no limit.
Putting on a good face is, in reality, for a person to do what the Sunnah requires of lightening the mahr so that people will follow his example. It is known to everyone that these people who spend large mahr do not want that, but they are almost forced to do it. If the heads of the tribes or the town were to lighten the mahr, they would put on a good face, and that would be a reward for them with Allah the Mighty and Majestic, and they would establish a good Sunnah that people would follow.
So I see that we should direct the command and advice to the elders of the people, the heads of the tribes and clans, as well as the people of the cities, that the elders and the honorable among them should take charge of this matter and lighten the mahr so that they become a good example for people to follow. Whoever guides to good is like the one who does it, and whoever establishes a good Sunnah in Islam has the reward of it and the reward of everyone who acts by it until the Day of Resurrection.
The questioner : May Allah reward you, O honorable Shaykh.
The Shaykh : I say that there is no doubt that exaggerating in the mahr (bridal gift) of women is contrary to the Sunnah, and that the Sunnah is to lighten the mahr. The easier the marriage is in terms of expense, the greater its blessing. The Rightly Guided Caliph 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) forbade exaggerating in the mahr of women. He said (may Allah be pleased with him): “O people! Do not exaggerate in the mahr of women”, meaning their mahr, “for if that were a merit or an act of piety, the most deserving of it would be the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him)”. There is no doubt that lightening the mahr is one of the causes of a good marital relationship, because if the mahr is large, whenever the husband remembers it, the woman becomes bitter to him and he regrets the exaggeration in the mahr that he did.
As for when the mahr is light, he will not have to swallow the bitterness of this mahr. There is no doubt also that if the mahr is large, this is one of the causes of harming the wife, because if the man gives her a large mahr and the relationship between them is not good, he will keep her in this bad relationship and she will hardly be able to separate from him, because he has lost a lot of money on her. You will find him holding onto her while harming her and treating her badly because of the large mahr he spent to obtain her. But if the mahr is light and the relationship between them is not good, it will be easy for him, if the situation cannot be fixed, to part with her and marry another.
Therefore, I advise these people mentioned by the questioner and their like to refrain from exaggerating in the mahr and making it large. I say to them: A man does not marry dirhams, he marries men. A large amount of money does not benefit him in marriage with any strength of love or good relationship; rather, it may be the opposite.
I also advise these people and their like not to take anything from the woman’s mahr, even if it is the daughter, because the mahr is the right of the wife and not the right of her father or her mother. This is based on the saying of Allah the Exalted:
And give the women [upon marriage] their [bridal] gifts graciously. But if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease.
وَآتُوا النِّسَاءَ صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةً فَإِنْ طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَنْ شَيْءٍ مِنْهُ نَفْسًا فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئًا مَرِيئًاBut if they give up willingly to you anything of it, then take it in satisfaction and ease.
فَإِنْ طِبْنَ لَكُمْ عَنْ شَيْءٍ مِنْهُ نَفْسًا فَكُلُوهُ هَنِيئًا مَرِيئًاYes, if it is assumed that after the contract is completed and the mahr is delivered, the daughter gives a gift to her father, or her mother, or her sister, or her maternal uncle, or her maternal aunt, or her paternal aunt, then there is nothing wrong with that. But to make that a condition on the husband at the time of acceptance, this is not permissible.
The questioner : O honorable Shaykh, the phrase of the father and mother to the son: “We want to put on a good face before people”. We also want a comment on this phrase?!
The Shaykh : This phrase of theirs: “We want to put on a good face before people”, in reality, reveals a weakness of character and a failure to face people with what is better. What a person should do to put on a good face is to follow what is better and more beneficial for creation. If people were to trade in these matters, there would be no end to them and no limit.
Putting on a good face is, in reality, for a person to do what the Sunnah requires of lightening the mahr so that people will follow his example. It is known to everyone that these people who spend large mahr do not want that, but they are almost forced to do it. If the heads of the tribes or the town were to lighten the mahr, they would put on a good face, and that would be a reward for them with Allah the Mighty and Majestic, and they would establish a good Sunnah that people would follow.
So I see that we should direct the command and advice to the elders of the people, the heads of the tribes and clans, as well as the people of the cities, that the elders and the honorable among them should take charge of this matter and lighten the mahr so that they become a good example for people to follow. Whoever guides to good is like the one who does it, and whoever establishes a good Sunnah in Islam has the reward of it and the reward of everyone who acts by it until the Day of Resurrection.
The questioner : May Allah reward you, O honorable Shaykh.