Controlling the daughter and exorbitance in bridal gifts.
Machine translationRead the Arabic original
The Shaykh : And among this is that some people control their daughter as if she were a car; if the suitor brings the price he is satisfied with, he marries her to him, otherwise he prevents it. We have even heard some people impose harsh conditions that only a few people can meet. He says, "I will marry you my daughter on the condition that the daughter's mahr is fifty thousand, and for the mother ten thousand, and for the father ten thousand. How much is that in total? Seventy thousand. And a load of sheep, and a load means carrying water for the sheep, a load for a car, a load that carries the household goods when we move from one place to another. So the poor man finds that the mahr has reached approximately two hundred thousand. Glory be to Allah. And most of this that is conditioned, is it for the wife or for someone other than the wife? For someone other than the wife, even though the mahr is for the wife. It is not permissible for anyone to condition anything from it, not even the father; it is not permissible for him to condition for himself anything from the mahr, due to the saying of Allah the Exalted: [An-Nisa 4:4] The gifts, meaning the mahr, so He attributed the mahr to whom? To the women, to the wives, and He attributed the coming to them to them. So it is not lawful for anyone to condition for himself anything from it. This door is closed and prohibited, and its prohibition is a profound wisdom, because if it were permitted for the wali to condition for himself something and for the wife's mother something, the prey would be whom? The wife. The harm would be upon her, and she would become as if she were a commodity sold at a public auction. And it is established from the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him and his family) And this is the very essence of wisdom. Notice that increasing the mahr necessitates problems between the husband and wife.
Pay attention, my brother.
It necessitates problems between the husband and wife. How is that? If the mahr is large and this husband did not obtain it except by borrowing from so-and-so and taking loans from so-and-so, and selling some of his necessities, the burden of the woman becomes heavy upon him. Every time this mahr that weighed down his shoulders and occupied his conscience is mentioned, sadness befalls him. Consequently, he hates whom? He hates the wife. He says, "This is the one who loaded my back with what it cannot bear and occupied my conscience." So he hates her. Then, if the relationship between them becomes bad, is it easy for him to separate from her without compensation? Or not? Is it easy for him or not easy? Not easy. That means, if the relationship between them becomes bad, it is not easy for him to divorce her and bring another, because he has incurred many losses on her. So he harms her. When the soul reaches the throat and the flood reaches the dregs, the case of khul' and mutual release comes, and the wife and her guardians say, "We will give you the mahr you paid to us." The mahr that was paid to them may have been spent; he may have bought jewelry, clothes, gifts, and gold, most of which is gone. And the wife and her guardians may be poor, bearing debts on their backs in order to release this woman from her husband. But if the mahr were modest, the husband would not be so concerned if the relationship between them became bad and he divorced her with a normal divorce. For this reason, I call upon my brothers in this country and in other countries; I call upon them to have the determination and courage to reduce the mahr as much as they are able to do so, because that is the greatest blessing in marriage. And I am telling you a story that happened to me. I contracted a marriage for a man, and when I read the marriage sermon, I said to the father of the woman, the husband of the man, "I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal." I thought he was saying what the common people say before; they send the bride a car load and dirhams, and then at the contract he says, "I have married you my daughter for one riyal." And the mahr in reality is what? A car load, not a camel load, a car load with dirhams! Then he says, "I have married you for a mahr of one riyal." Why do the common people say this? He said, "Because the jurists say 'It is recommended to name the mahr in the contract' Is it correct that the mahr is the riyal? No. The important thing is that this man said, "I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal." So I said, "This has no basis. The mahr is what the husband paid, and there is no basis for saying 'I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal.' May Allah not will it, except for good. If the husband died in this case, how much would the wife be entitled to from him? One riyal, and the rest is returned to the husband. If he divorced her before consummation, how much would the wife be entitled to? Half the mahr, half a riyal, and half a riyal is returned to the husband. And so is the car load. So I said to him, "This has no basis." He said, "By Allah, I did not take from him a mahr except this riyal." So I thanked him for that and said, "Now say, 'I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal.'" Good, the man needs a bedroom and a mattress. He said, "This is all a gift from me." May Allah reward him with good. What a generous spirit! If only people followed this path. But we ask Allah for safety. Now, as we hear of many large mahr amounts, which burden the conscience, disturb peace, and cause worry and sadness, I say: If people cooperated in such matters and had the firmness and courage to reduce the mahr as much as they are able to do so, without breaking or excess, without too much extra and without too much lacking, justice is the good. And I think the time has now ended, and we have, if Allah wills, words related to this topic in the next meeting. May Allah join us and you in good and guide us and you to what He loves and is pleased with. Indeed, He is capable of all things.
And give the women [upon marriage] their [bridal] gifts graciously
وَآتُوا النِّسَاءَ صَدُقَاتِهِنَّ نِحْلَةًThat the easier the mahr is, the greater the blessing.
أنه كلما كان المهر أيسر كان أعظم للبركةPay attention, my brother.
It necessitates problems between the husband and wife. How is that? If the mahr is large and this husband did not obtain it except by borrowing from so-and-so and taking loans from so-and-so, and selling some of his necessities, the burden of the woman becomes heavy upon him. Every time this mahr that weighed down his shoulders and occupied his conscience is mentioned, sadness befalls him. Consequently, he hates whom? He hates the wife. He says, "This is the one who loaded my back with what it cannot bear and occupied my conscience." So he hates her. Then, if the relationship between them becomes bad, is it easy for him to separate from her without compensation? Or not? Is it easy for him or not easy? Not easy. That means, if the relationship between them becomes bad, it is not easy for him to divorce her and bring another, because he has incurred many losses on her. So he harms her. When the soul reaches the throat and the flood reaches the dregs, the case of khul' and mutual release comes, and the wife and her guardians say, "We will give you the mahr you paid to us." The mahr that was paid to them may have been spent; he may have bought jewelry, clothes, gifts, and gold, most of which is gone. And the wife and her guardians may be poor, bearing debts on their backs in order to release this woman from her husband. But if the mahr were modest, the husband would not be so concerned if the relationship between them became bad and he divorced her with a normal divorce. For this reason, I call upon my brothers in this country and in other countries; I call upon them to have the determination and courage to reduce the mahr as much as they are able to do so, because that is the greatest blessing in marriage. And I am telling you a story that happened to me. I contracted a marriage for a man, and when I read the marriage sermon, I said to the father of the woman, the husband of the man, "I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal." I thought he was saying what the common people say before; they send the bride a car load and dirhams, and then at the contract he says, "I have married you my daughter for one riyal." And the mahr in reality is what? A car load, not a camel load, a car load with dirhams! Then he says, "I have married you for a mahr of one riyal." Why do the common people say this? He said, "Because the jurists say 'It is recommended to name the mahr in the contract' Is it correct that the mahr is the riyal? No. The important thing is that this man said, "I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal." So I said, "This has no basis. The mahr is what the husband paid, and there is no basis for saying 'I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal.' May Allah not will it, except for good. If the husband died in this case, how much would the wife be entitled to from him? One riyal, and the rest is returned to the husband. If he divorced her before consummation, how much would the wife be entitled to? Half the mahr, half a riyal, and half a riyal is returned to the husband. And so is the car load. So I said to him, "This has no basis." He said, "By Allah, I did not take from him a mahr except this riyal." So I thanked him for that and said, "Now say, 'I have married you my daughter for a mahr of one riyal.'" Good, the man needs a bedroom and a mattress. He said, "This is all a gift from me." May Allah reward him with good. What a generous spirit! If only people followed this path. But we ask Allah for safety. Now, as we hear of many large mahr amounts, which burden the conscience, disturb peace, and cause worry and sadness, I say: If people cooperated in such matters and had the firmness and courage to reduce the mahr as much as they are able to do so, without breaking or excess, without too much extra and without too much lacking, justice is the good. And I think the time has now ended, and we have, if Allah wills, words related to this topic in the next meeting. May Allah join us and you in good and guide us and you to what He loves and is pleased with. Indeed, He is capable of all things.