What is the standard for maintaining family ties, especially when relatives are annoyed by frequent visits?
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The questioner : Peace be upon you, and Allah’s mercy and blessings.
A questioner asks, saying: O Shaykh, how does one maintain family ties when they may be annoyed by frequent visits? And how should a married daughter visit her family? Is it according to her mood, under the pretext of maintaining ties with her family and relatives, given their large number, while her husband has his own specific circumstances, including his children, serving his parents, work, and commitments? And how can one reconcile the ties between the husband's and wife's relatives, given their large numbers and distance from one another?
The Shaykh : As for the first part of the question: Allah the Mighty and Majestic did not specify the details of maintaining family ties, nor did the Sunnah specify them. However, it reverts to what people commonly recognize. It varies according to the closeness of kinship, the time, and the place. The fact that it varies according to closeness means that your tie to your full brother is not like your tie to your maternal brother. Which of the two is more binding?
The student: The full brother.
The Shaykh : The full brother is the first. And your tie to your paternal uncle is not like your tie to your father's paternal uncle. The closer a person is to you, the more deserving he is of maintaining the tie. This is considering kinship. Considering time, it may be a time of prosperity and wealth, where every person is independent of his brother because of what he has. Or it may be a time of poverty and need. Is your tie to a relative in a state of wealth like your tie to a relative in a state of poverty? No. Therefore, you may have two brothers, one of whom is wealthy and needs nothing, and the other is poor. You must support the poor one with money more than you support the... the wealthy one. So this is according to the difference in time and circumstances.
Thirdly: according to place. Your tie to a distant person is not like your tie to a nearby person who is in your town. For someone in the town, we might say: you must visit him, for example, every week or every half month. But for the distant one, this is not obligatory upon you. Rather, the means of communication in the present time, and praise be to Allah, have compensated for much of the hardship. It is possible to maintain the tie with the distant one through the... the telephone, once a week, once every two weeks, or once a month. People now, and praise be to Allah, know this. It means that one of us does not want to visit his relative every day, or every week, or every month. No, when he knows that he is well and has no need, he simply contacts him. But if he knows that his relatives are tired of him because of his frequent visits, then the purpose of the tie is kindness, the closeness of hearts, and harmony. If you know that they are tired of your visits and dislike you, and that it only increases the distance between you, do not frequent your visits. Do not frequent your visits. The purpose is to be reassured about their health and their needs, and that is sufficient.
As for the husband and his wife, it is obligatory for him to treat her with kindness, as Allah the Exalted said: So whatever has become the custom of people, he must allow her to do it. For example, if it is the custom of people that a woman visits her family every half month, he must allow her to do so. Or if it is every week, he must allow her to do so. And if her family is in another country, he is not obligated to travel with her every week or every half month, but according to the circumstances. And let him know that the master of the woman is her husband, as the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: 'Awani, meaning captives. And Allah the Exalted said in Surat Yusuf regarding the wife of the Aziz: So He made the husband the master. And this includes that the wife is in the position of a female slave. Yes.
A questioner asks, saying: O Shaykh, how does one maintain family ties when they may be annoyed by frequent visits? And how should a married daughter visit her family? Is it according to her mood, under the pretext of maintaining ties with her family and relatives, given their large number, while her husband has his own specific circumstances, including his children, serving his parents, work, and commitments? And how can one reconcile the ties between the husband's and wife's relatives, given their large numbers and distance from one another?
The Shaykh : As for the first part of the question: Allah the Mighty and Majestic did not specify the details of maintaining family ties, nor did the Sunnah specify them. However, it reverts to what people commonly recognize. It varies according to the closeness of kinship, the time, and the place. The fact that it varies according to closeness means that your tie to your full brother is not like your tie to your maternal brother. Which of the two is more binding?
The student: The full brother.
The Shaykh : The full brother is the first. And your tie to your paternal uncle is not like your tie to your father's paternal uncle. The closer a person is to you, the more deserving he is of maintaining the tie. This is considering kinship. Considering time, it may be a time of prosperity and wealth, where every person is independent of his brother because of what he has. Or it may be a time of poverty and need. Is your tie to a relative in a state of wealth like your tie to a relative in a state of poverty? No. Therefore, you may have two brothers, one of whom is wealthy and needs nothing, and the other is poor. You must support the poor one with money more than you support the... the wealthy one. So this is according to the difference in time and circumstances.
Thirdly: according to place. Your tie to a distant person is not like your tie to a nearby person who is in your town. For someone in the town, we might say: you must visit him, for example, every week or every half month. But for the distant one, this is not obligatory upon you. Rather, the means of communication in the present time, and praise be to Allah, have compensated for much of the hardship. It is possible to maintain the tie with the distant one through the... the telephone, once a week, once every two weeks, or once a month. People now, and praise be to Allah, know this. It means that one of us does not want to visit his relative every day, or every week, or every month. No, when he knows that he is well and has no need, he simply contacts him. But if he knows that his relatives are tired of him because of his frequent visits, then the purpose of the tie is kindness, the closeness of hearts, and harmony. If you know that they are tired of your visits and dislike you, and that it only increases the distance between you, do not frequent your visits. Do not frequent your visits. The purpose is to be reassured about their health and their needs, and that is sufficient.
As for the husband and his wife, it is obligatory for him to treat her with kindness, as Allah the Exalted said: