Refusing to obey her husband and fearing sin

A sister from Makkah is also asking, and she says: I have been married for ten years, and one day a dispute arose between me and my husband. He told me, "Bring the dinner," but I refused to obey him and said, "I will not bring you food until you take me to my parents' home." He stood with me for two hours, then went to another area and did not say anything to me. Is he sinful, and am I sinful for not obeying him, or not? Please inform us, and what should I do to please my husband? May Allah guide you.
Answer: It is obligatory for the woman to listen and obey her husband in what is good, to be good in character, to speak kindly, and to carry out his commands, such as bringing food or other things like tea or coffee or other needs that Allah has made permissible. This is the duty of the wife. It is also obligatory for the husband to treat her with kindness, with kind words, and with good conduct, as Allah the Exalted said: [Surat al-Nisa: 19]. And Allah (Mighty and Majestic) said: : [Surat al-Baqarah: 228]. The husband's right is greater, and she has a right over him that he should treat her with kindness, with kind words, with good conduct, by providing her with maintenance like that of her peers, clothing like that of her peers, addressing her with kind words, not with cursing or swearing, but with kind words and good manners. She, in turn, addresses him with kind words and good manners, and listens and obeys his commands. She does not disobey him in commands that do not involve religious difficulty or wrongdoing, such as bringing food, bringing tea, or doing something else that Allah has made permissible and that is customary for a wife to do with her husband. This is the duty of the woman so that affairs may be straightened out and so that the good relationship may continue.
However, if he orders her to do what is not permissible, such as telling her to bring him intoxicants or tobacco or the like of what Allah has forbidden, or to listen to songs and entertainment with him, she is not required to do so. This is because Allah (Exalted and Majestic is He) says: [Surat al-Mumtahanah: 12]. And the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: . So if he orders her to commit a sin, she has no right to obey him. But she should respond to him with a kind response: "O so-and-so! This is not permissible. May Allah guide you, may Allah protect you from Satan. This is a command that is not permissible for me or for you, and I have no right to assist you in what Allah has forbidden." She should have good manners, advise him, and remind him of Allah (Mighty and Majestic). But she does not obey him in sins. She must serve him in the known, customary way among people like them, because families differ. If people like her serve people like him, and it is customary for her to serve him in families similar to theirs in their country, then she serves him.
As for if she is from a family that serves, then he must serve her if he is able to do so. He must serve her in accordance with the known custom, because the customary condition is like the verbal condition. But if she is lenient and serves, as Fatimah (may Allah be pleased with her), the daughter of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), served her husband 'Ali, grinding flour, serving, and preparing food (may Allah be pleased with her and grant her satisfaction), then the wife should be lenient and serve, even if people like her are served. If she concedes and is lenient, this is from good character and good conduct, and it is one of the causes for the continuation of the relationship. But if people like her are served, and her family serves, and it is easy for the husband to serve her, then that is her right. Yes.
The presenter: May Allah reward you.