Choosing Righteous Spouses
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Question: I married a man fourteen years ago, and I had no knowledge that this man had abandoned his religion and pursued his pleasures and desires. Day by day, my problem with him increased to the point that I could no longer bear that situation. I have given birth to this
man four daughters and a son, and my life with him is a mistake. He prevents me from wearing the prescribed hijab and has sworn an oath of divorce, thrice, that if he sees me praying, he will tear my prayer clothes. Whenever Ramadan comes, he prevents me from fasting, until I am forced to leave the house and not return except on his conditions. However, he returns to how he was, and even worse. I pray in secret from him, fearing that if he sees me, he will beat me and tear my prayer clothes. Moreover, he keeps company only with wicked people, stays up until the end of the night, and comes home drunk and unconscious. He is negligent in his duties, even the household ones and the household expenses. His words are extremely bad, and his treatment is harsh. I am afraid to leave him out of fear for my daughters from him, even though he is their father, but he does not know Allah, so I expect everything from him, refuge in Allah. What is the ruling on my living with my husband in such a state?
Answer: First: It is obligatory, upon marriage, to choose righteous spouses who hold fast to their religion, who respect the sanctity of marriage and good conduct between spouses,And the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1084Da'if (Darussalam) , so it indicates that one should seek and choose a spouse who holds fast to his religion upon marriage, and that it is not permissible to be lenient in this matter. And leniency has become widespread in our time, in this dangerous era, so people have started marrying their daughters and their wards to men who do not fear Allah and the Last Day. And they have started complaining about the reality of such a husband as the questioner mentioned, regarding the neglect of Allah’s religion, committing evil deeds, bad conduct, and they have fallen into confusion about these husbands. If they had sought a righteous man before marriage,
Allah, Glorified and Exalted is He, would have made it easy. But this mostly arises from leniency and indifference to righteous spouses. A bad man is never good, and one should not be lenient regarding him, because he harms the woman; perhaps he will divert her from her religion, and perhaps he will affect her offspring. He is a companion of evil, and it is not permissible to marry him.
And if he is an apostate from the religion of Islam by committing a nullifier of the religion, then it is not permissible to marry a Muslim woman to him,because of His saying, the Exalted: [al-Baqarah: 221] ,And by His saying, Glorified and Exalted is He: [al-Mumtahanah: 10] .
And as for if he married her while he was a Muslim, then he became an apostate afterwards—refuge in Allah—he is to be separated from his Muslim wife, unless he repents while she is in the waiting period, in which case she returns to him.
In conclusion: It is necessary to pay attention to this serious matter, and to be concerned with choosing spouses for women and not be lenient in it, because many matters depend on it.
And as for what the questioner mentioned regarding the state of her husband, his turning away from Allah’s religion, and that he forces her to abandon prayer, commits evil deeds, and does not refrain from forbidden things, this is a serious matter. It is not permissible for this woman to remain in his marriage bond. It is obligatory for her to seek separation from him, because there is no good in him, and no good in remaining with him. It is obligatory for her to separate from him and stay away from him, so that she is safe in her religion, safe in her honor, and safe in the rest of her life.
Question: If this happens and she separates from him, with whom will the children be?
Answer: The children, if they are young and below the age of discernment, will be with their mother, unless she marries, because she loses custody.
As for if the males reach seven years of age, they are given the choice. If they choose the one who is best for their religion and proper upbringing, they will be with him, whether the father or the mother.
The outcome is that the authority refers this matter to the religious judge, who looks into the interest of these children and places them with the one who treats them well and provides them with good upbringing.
man four daughters and a son, and my life with him is a mistake. He prevents me from wearing the prescribed hijab and has sworn an oath of divorce, thrice, that if he sees me praying, he will tear my prayer clothes. Whenever Ramadan comes, he prevents me from fasting, until I am forced to leave the house and not return except on his conditions. However, he returns to how he was, and even worse. I pray in secret from him, fearing that if he sees me, he will beat me and tear my prayer clothes. Moreover, he keeps company only with wicked people, stays up until the end of the night, and comes home drunk and unconscious. He is negligent in his duties, even the household ones and the household expenses. His words are extremely bad, and his treatment is harsh. I am afraid to leave him out of fear for my daughters from him, even though he is their father, but he does not know Allah, so I expect everything from him, refuge in Allah. What is the ruling on my living with my husband in such a state?
Answer: First: It is obligatory, upon marriage, to choose righteous spouses who hold fast to their religion, who respect the sanctity of marriage and good conduct between spouses,And the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him.
إذا أتاكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فزوجوهAllah, Glorified and Exalted is He, would have made it easy. But this mostly arises from leniency and indifference to righteous spouses. A bad man is never good, and one should not be lenient regarding him, because he harms the woman; perhaps he will divert her from her religion, and perhaps he will affect her offspring. He is a companion of evil, and it is not permissible to marry him.
And if he is an apostate from the religion of Islam by committing a nullifier of the religion, then it is not permissible to marry a Muslim woman to him,because of His saying, the Exalted:
And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe
وَلَا تُنْكِحُوا الْمُشْرِكِينَ حَتَّى يُؤْمِنُواthen do not return them to the disbelievers; they are not lawful [wives] for them, nor are they lawful [husbands] for them
فَلَا تَرْجِعُوهُنَّ إِلَى الْكُفَّارِ لَا هُنَّ حِلٌّ لَهُمْ وَلَا هُمْ يَحِلُّونَ لَهُنَّAnd as for if he married her while he was a Muslim, then he became an apostate afterwards—refuge in Allah—he is to be separated from his Muslim wife, unless he repents while she is in the waiting period, in which case she returns to him.
In conclusion: It is necessary to pay attention to this serious matter, and to be concerned with choosing spouses for women and not be lenient in it, because many matters depend on it.
And as for what the questioner mentioned regarding the state of her husband, his turning away from Allah’s religion, and that he forces her to abandon prayer, commits evil deeds, and does not refrain from forbidden things, this is a serious matter. It is not permissible for this woman to remain in his marriage bond. It is obligatory for her to seek separation from him, because there is no good in him, and no good in remaining with him. It is obligatory for her to separate from him and stay away from him, so that she is safe in her religion, safe in her honor, and safe in the rest of her life.
Question: If this happens and she separates from him, with whom will the children be?
Answer: The children, if they are young and below the age of discernment, will be with their mother, unless she marries, because she loses custody.
As for if the males reach seven years of age, they are given the choice. If they choose the one who is best for their religion and proper upbringing, they will be with him, whether the father or the mother.
The outcome is that the authority refers this matter to the religious judge, who looks into the interest of these children and places them with the one who treats them well and provides them with good upbringing.