What is the best method for a husband to raise his wife and children?
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The questioner : In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
A questioner says: “Your Eminence, the father in the house is responsible for raising his children and his family, but fathers regarding this responsibility are either harsh or negligent. What is the best method you see for raising the wife, sons, and daughters? May Allah guide you.”
The Shaykh : Generally, in all matters, people fall into three categories: the negligent, the excessive, and the moderate. The negligent is the one who neglects, the excessive is the one who is harsh, and the moderate is the one who is between these two. A sensible person knows how to raise his family; he treats them sometimes with firmness and sometimes with gentleness, according to what the circumstances require. If he sees harshness from them, let him be gentle with them. If he sees gentleness and acceptance from them, let him be firm with them, and I do not say harsh, but firm so that he does not miss the opportunity.
As for some people, they want to make things difficult for their families; they want everything from them to be perfect, and this is a mistake. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:Sahih Muslim 1468b Do you know the meaning of: ? It means he does not hate or dislike a believing woman, meaning his wife. Sahih Muslim 1468b And thus, the sensible believer should balance between the good and the bad; he should not attribute a matter to evil when it contains good things. A person who denies the good and highlights the bad is like a woman. When the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) informed the women that they are the majority of the people of the Fire, they said: Musannaf Ibn Abi Shaybah 4:4, And thus, a man may lower himself to the level of a woman; if he does good to her for a lifetime and then does one bad thing, she erases all the good. So we say: be gentle with your family. If you dislike a trait in them, be pleased with another trait. Do not be harsh or negligent. And worse than that is the one whose wife disagrees with him over the smallest thing, and he divorces her, may Allah protect us from that. I mean, if the tea is too sweet or too bitter, he says: Why is this tea? What is this? Is this not the job? You are divorced three times. We ask Allah for safety. And the easy-going woman today, yes, a person may toil and his head may turn white without finding a woman, so how does he divorce her over everything? And add to that that we often hear people say: You are divorced three times, and you are to me like the back of my mother. And Allah, Mighty and Majestic, says regarding those who say their wives are like their mothers’ backs: He says: [Al-Mujadila 58:2] An abomination that the Shari'ah does not approve of, and a lie: falsehood. How can your wife, who is lawful for you, be like your mother, who is forbidden to you?
So my advice to my brothers who want to raise their families and children is to be between gentleness and firmness. The sensible person considers the situation, and for every situation there is a saying. Yes.
A questioner says: “Your Eminence, the father in the house is responsible for raising his children and his family, but fathers regarding this responsibility are either harsh or negligent. What is the best method you see for raising the wife, sons, and daughters? May Allah guide you.”
The Shaykh : Generally, in all matters, people fall into three categories: the negligent, the excessive, and the moderate. The negligent is the one who neglects, the excessive is the one who is harsh, and the moderate is the one who is between these two. A sensible person knows how to raise his family; he treats them sometimes with firmness and sometimes with gentleness, according to what the circumstances require. If he sees harshness from them, let him be gentle with them. If he sees gentleness and acceptance from them, let him be firm with them, and I do not say harsh, but firm so that he does not miss the opportunity.
As for some people, they want to make things difficult for their families; they want everything from them to be perfect, and this is a mistake. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.
لا يفرك مؤمن مؤمنة، إن كره منها خلقاً رضي منها خلقاً آخرA believer does not hate
لا يفركif he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.
إن كره منها خلقاً رضي منها خلقاً آخرBy what, O Messenger of Allah? He said: Because you curse much and are ungrateful for your husbands’ kindness.
بما يا رسول الله؟ قال : لأنكن تكثرن اللعن وتكفرن العشيرIf you did good to one of them for a lifetime and then found one bad thing from you, she would say: I have never seen any good from you.
لو أحسنت إلى إحداهن الدهر كله ثم وجدت منك سيئة واحدة لقالت : ما رأيت خيراً قطAnd indeed, they are saying an objectionable statement and a falsehood.
وَإِنَّهُمْ لَيَقُولُونَ مُنْكَراً مِنَ الْقَوْلِ وَزُوراًSo my advice to my brothers who want to raise their families and children is to be between gentleness and firmness. The sensible person considers the situation, and for every situation there is a saying. Yes.