Do these two matters—the nature of upbringing and the woman's psychological pain—give her the right to refuse plural marriage?

Abu Malik: But here, our Shaykh, may Allah bless you, there are matters that arise regarding this issue, which I see has been much discussed recently. First among these is what you mentioned: that one should verify the capability of the person who wants to, or hears the command, and then he has no choice but to execute it, because obedience to the one in authority is obligatory by the Shari'ah. So we ask: does the capability here extend to the psychological capability? A person may be suffering from many, many things that might appear to one who does not want to hasten to execute the ruling as being permissible from one aspect, and that even if it is permissible, or if it is truly permissible in itself, the command, due to its heaviness on the soul, may cause a person to find in it hardship and suffering that creates endless and unceasing troubles for the man and woman in their lives. This is especially true in a time when people have become accustomed to violating the Shari'ah in matters far less significant than this, and people have habituated themselves to these violations, and they have become widespread in their lives, and violation has become the norm in the life of the Ummah, even though it is obligatory for the callers to Islam not to be influenced by this trend, but rather they must resist it and say to the people: "Be firm in what you call them to," in order to change this bad reality in which the markers of the Shari'ah have been obscured, or nearly so, and the Sunnah has disappeared, or rather, many of the obligatory acts have disappeared from the life of the Ummah. Therefore, I say first: does this psychological suffering, which may cause what it causes of the destruction of the home and the demolition of its foundations, and the creation of problems in homes, and the psychological suffering that the woman endures—whether she accepts or does not accept, or appears to accept outwardly but in reality is suffering what she is suffering and has no choice but to say, while appearing or showing that she obeys her husband in order to realize the Sunnah and comply with the command of Allah, that she shows his obedience while in reality she has no choice but to be like this person who cannot do anything but execute what is dictated to him? This is from one aspect. As for the second matter, as you know, our Shaykh, may Allah bless you, the culture that has spread in the Ummah today is far behind what it should be in terms of adhering to the Shari'ah and standing with its rulings and embodying the implications of the creed. And this matter, which is plural marriage, has become one of the reasons why there are people, even among the scholars, among the scholars of Islam who claim or pretend to be scholars, who speak in the name of the Shari'ah and issue fatwas, and so on, which is apparent in our lives. I say that this Western culture, which has spread in our lives and has created for us many, many generations, and these generations inherit, or each generation inherits from the one before it, a legacy burdened with errors, illusions, fantasies, and distance from the sources of the Shari'ah, and they prefer what this culture brought over what the Shari'ah of our Lord explicitly stated as rulings that are called obligatory, or recommended, or at least permissible. So I ask: does this count as an excuse? Can a person who wants to marry a second or third wife proceed with such a thing, with marrying a second or third wife, while knowing that, as some of our brothers indicated in their aforementioned questions, they know with absolute certainty that proceeding with a second marriage will scatter the children, and perhaps close the doors of homes, and perhaps lead the spouses to the doors of courts that may rule between them by separating them due to the many problems that occur? So we hope, our Shaykh, may Allah bless you, that you will benefit us regarding these two matters, which truly appear to be serious problems in the lives of Muslim homes. And we find that our children in our homes were raised and brought up to accept the mother and not to accept anyone other than the mother. And we are very, very stubborn when we neglect the matter of the sons and daughters and say that they have accepted the situation. So we hope

The Shaykh : And upon you be peace and the mercy and blessings of Allah
Abu Malik: Our Shaykh, may Allah bless you, regarding commenting on these two matters, and may Allah reward you with good

The Shaykh : I hope that the professor will summarize the two matters from his speech so that we can reconsider them.
Abu Malik: Yes

The Shaykh : What is the first matter and what is the second matter?
Abu Malik: The first matter, we said that, meaning, our lives today, our lives inside our homes and in our families, have been affected by the trends of contemporary civilization or culture, which has become to have defenders or writers, scholars, who defend against it or defend against it, and attack, for a reason or without a reason, with understanding or perhaps with ignorance, perhaps with a conception of reality that is bad or not bad, the Islamic rulings that call for plural marriage. We are affected, without doubt, and the evidence is abundant in our lives.
The second matter, I say that obedience, the obedience of the woman which Allah, Blessed and Exalted is He, has charged her with, and which we said must be capable of executing, this obedience, the condition of executing obedience or the woman's obedience to the husband is that it not be in disobedience to Allah and that she be capable of obeying him. So I ask: should we neglect these severe psychological pains that may also give rise to problems inside the Muslim home between the husband and wife, and these differences reflect on the sons and daughters, and perhaps that becomes a cause of their scattering and their bad upbringing?

The Shaykh : After this good summary, if Allah wills, I say: As for the first matter, there is no doubt that we are being invaded by those writers who were referred to, not just in this issue, but in many, many issues. Among the most serious of these is their call to separate religion from the state. It is not our duty to respond to these people in their position that contradicts the Shari'ah. For example, regarding their call to separate religion from the state, we stand against it and say: Islam is both religion and state. So, if any of them respond, at least intellectually, praise be to Allah. And if they do not respond, I am not in control of them. Likewise, regarding our issue here, it is true that many of these people—and I mentioned in my previous speech that one of the reasons women are reluctant to accept their husbands taking another wife—is this intellectual invasion. I also said that many men have been influenced by this invasion and no longer support it. So I say: this invasion must be met with a correct Islamic invasion. This is with regard to the first part or the first matter. As for the other matter, it is not hidden from anyone present, or absent, that the issue of plural marriage, in terms of the Shari'ah ruling, does not go beyond the recommendation (mustahabb) that I referred to earlier in my speech, citing the saying of my Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) . And since that is the case, every Muslim knows that if a ruling that is merely recommended is accompanied by something more dangerous in Islamic terms than that ruling, then there is no doubt or hesitation that he should turn away from that recommendation. I also mentioned earlier the hadith of A'isha , and so on, because restoring the Ka'bah based on the foundation of Ibrahim (peace be upon him) is, in my opinion and understanding, above the level of a recommendation. Yet the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) left it alone out of fear that this renewal of building the Ka'bah would lead to a greater harm than the benefit. This is a known principle among scholars. If that is the case, the issue should not be made general among husbands who want to practice plural marriage. It should not be made general for the first reason, which is that we are being invaded by some Western writers or those among them who have Westernized. Rather, we remind you, O husband, if you want to marry and it is likely that your marriage will result in a greater harm than the benefit you are aiming for, then it is understood from these principles that you should not resort to applying this recommended matter. We say this in the case where the second marriage is only a recommendation. But it is also not permissible for us to intervene between the two spouses and to always and forever assume that any husband who wants to marry a second wife is doing so for a recommended matter. It may be an obligatory matter for him. The relationship existing between the two spouses is one that no one, absolutely no one, even if he is the closest of relatives, can know the truth of. The husband may be married and have a beautiful, helpful wife, and everything is fine, but there is an internal matter that others cannot see. Who knows this internal matter? It is this husband who wants to marry a second wife. So, first, we say: if the marriage this husband wants to enter into is from the category of recommendations, then he must observe the principle mentioned earlier. But if the second marriage, for some people, goes beyond the limits of recommendations to obligations, then the matter takes on a different ruling, undoubtedly different from the first ruling. However, as I said earlier, preparation is necessary. I said this because of what I mentioned about our being invaded by this issue from Eastern and Western writers. Therefore, our position from a scholarly standpoint should be nothing but reminding Muslims, men and women, of this ruling whose text came in the Noble Qur'an, along with reminding them of the ability and capacity to judge with justice between the wives. This is what I see as the answer to both matters. And we ask Allah, Mighty and Majestic, to guide us in everything in which people have differed to the word of truth and following the correct path, if Allah wills.
Abu Malik: In response to this

The Shaykh : Please go ahead.
Abu Malik: May Allah reward you with good. I think the issue has now become clear to the brothers here, and perhaps this matter will also be addressed by people through hearing or writing, if Allah wills. I say that the truth is that three things have helped to entrench the aversion in the hearts of wives to having another woman join them. As for the first matter, it is the reality we see among many Muslim husbands who married, and the conduct of their households became known among people, and their marriage did not achieve justice between the wives, nor did it achieve justice between the children. And what I think is a cause of this is the mixing of matters in our public and private lives now. Also, the tightness of means among many of those who marry and proceed to marriage, with the intention to gather or to achieve justice, or saying to themselves that Allah, Mighty and Majestic, will expand our provision later. These are hidden matters that no one can estimate or know except Allah, Glorified and Exalted, alone. As for the second matter, it is the truth that we also find in the hearts of many of those who marry or want to marry: the desire prompting the marriage is not equal in its goals for which plural marriage was legislated. We find that the predominant motive for the second marriage, especially in these days, is the desire for the woman only, and the intention is not to increase the sons and daughters or offspring. In truth, this desire radiates in the hearts or breasts of young men and men when they see this... year in our societies, the exposure of women and their display of adornment, and other reasons that lead to rushing into marriage, because the man wants to marry for the sake of lust or the woman. This also must be added to this issue. And it may be said in such a case that as long as the man desires to have multiple women to protect himself from sin, it can be said to him in such a case that the second, third, or fourth... does not protect him, because lust is renewed by seeing women day after day, and they excel in displaying their adornment, their bodies, and their revealing images.
The third matter, in truth, is that our sons in schools and universities have found many temptations that their fathers do not see. So it must be that the youth, especially, are more deserving of having their desires fulfilled and harm averted from them than the fathers themselves. The father finds a wife from whom he may gain and who may gain from him, and he accepts the whip of his lust that always and forever calls him to talk about the second wife. These people, in truth, are more deserving of being protected from fitnah, and the daughters are likewise more deserving of being protected from fitnah. And the fathers and mothers must all cooperate in presenting or in hastening the acceptance of the youth and the call, the call of people to... marriage and abandoning the habits existing in our lives today. I say these three matters are truly a cause for looking into such a matter that you spoke about. May Allah, Blessed and Exalted is He, reward you with good for what you said. And perhaps our brothers will also be a help to us in these directions that we, as callers to the methodology of the Book and the Sunnah, want to set an example for all people by ourselves. That our standing in this call, and for it, and in its right, and with it, is not by looking at such matters alone, separated from the other conditions that Muslims are suffering from today, but they must all be joined together on one path and one goal, so that we may truly be, if Allah wills, callers with insight.

The Shaykh : Yes.