The Obligations of a Woman Toward Her Husband and Vice Versa

A sister of ours from the Eastern Region sent a message, written in her own style and manner, and we read the message as it was received: In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful, the Bestower of Mercy. Peace be upon you, and Allah’s mercy and blessings. And after that: I am the questioner (N. D. Q) from the Eastern Region. I married a man who is selfish in the truest sense of the word. He did not give any consideration to emotions or humanity—meaning: he acted without thinking. He is serious about everything, and when he makes a decision, he does not go back on it. I used to love him, but when the truth became clear to me, I hated him and did not think about him. I will tell you my story: One day, I forgot that I had not prayed the Dhuhr and Asr prayers, so I sought forgiveness from my Lord. This incident happened repeatedly, and every time it was he who directed me. Not because he loved me and wanted good for me, but because he wanted to record my mistakes and hold me accountable for them in the future. When he held me accountable for the prayer I had forgotten, I asked him to forgive me. He pretended to me that he had forgiven me, but after a period had passed since our marriage and we had a daughter, he asked me to separate because my religion was insufficient, and that I was negligent at times. More importantly than all of that, since we married, he has not wanted to understand me or communicate with me. He treats me in a way that makes it difficult for me to express my feelings and love for him, as he avoids talking with me and does not be open with me about what is in his heart. On one occasion, I was surprised to learn that when he took me to my family, he proposed to a girl, but her family did not approve because he was married and had a daughter. When he returned, he said: We must separate, because I want a religious woman. He mentioned to me the hadith that says: So forgive me. He began speaking to me in a way from which I understood that he intended to marry someone else. However, I offered him all solutions other than divorce, but he was adamant and divorced me without any fault on my part. My daughter and I are now in confusion. It is known that he did not marry a religious woman, and his marriage was by his wife’s decree or something like that—a phrase I did not understand, Your Eminence. The last phrases are unclear, so I hope Your Eminence will please address this in light of what you have heard?
Answer: Since the divorce has already occurred, the remedy now does not have a significant effect in achieving the desired outcome. However, if Allah decrees your return to him, what is obligatory for you is not for his sake, but for the sake of Allah, the Exalted and Sublime, and His greatness, and for the right He has obligated upon you. It is obligatory for you to take care of religious matters and to strive to perform the prayer at its time. Such a person does not forget that it is the pillar of Islam and the second pillar of the pillars of Islam after the two testimonies. It is obligatory for you to be exemplary in Islamic morals and in performing what Allah has obligated upon you, so that he finds no way to criticize you, find fault with you, or seek a woman more religious than you. This is what you should be eager to do, because Allah has obligated upon you to be upright in His religion, to preserve what He has obligated upon you, and to avoid what Allah has forbidden. So, whether you are with your family or if you return to him, it is obligatory for you to take care of religious matters and to strive to perform the great prayer that Allah has obligated at its time with humility and tranquility. Likewise, all that Allah has obligated upon you, such as dutifulness to parents, maintaining family ties, guarding the tongue from backbiting and talebearing, guarding it from cursing, insulting, and lying, and so on. You must strive to do everything Allah has obligated. Likewise, regarding fasting in Ramadan, you must strive to perform it as Allah has prescribed, while guarding against everything Allah has forbidden, such as backbiting, talebearing, lying, cursing, or anything else that harms the fast. Likewise, regarding zakah, if you have wealth, you must pay zakah as Allah has commanded. And so, in all affairs, you must strive to preserve your religion and leave what Allah has forbidden. If Allah makes it easy for you to return, be a good example of the righteous woman with noble character. Be cheerful in the face of your husband, love good for him and hate evil for him. Even if it is decreed that he does not treat you with the due cheerfulness and good character, be better than him so that he returns to improving his character and treating you as you treat him. So, fear Allah in all circumstances. If Allah decrees your return to him, strive for noble morals, gentleness in his face, cheerfulness, good speech, and hastening to carry out his commands that are not blameworthy, and leaving the matters he has forbidden you from, which are things he wants you to leave and which do not pertain to the right of Allah, the Exalted and Sublime.
The point is that you should seek the means of his pleasure and avoid the causes of his anger, except in matters that Allah has obligated upon you. These are matters you must do. Likewise, what Allah has forbidden, you must leave. You have no right to obey him or anyone else in disobedience to Allah, the Exalted and Sublime. When you strive in good, in noble morals, and in treating him with the due noble character and good deeds, and hastening to prepare for his commands and comply with them, he will, if Allah wills, return to good deeds with you and a good conduct with you. Perhaps he will be content with you and not need to marry. We ask Allah to decree for you and for him all good, and to unite you upon good. Indeed, He is capable of all things.
The presenter: O Allah, amen. May Allah reward you with good. Your Eminence, if you permit me, I note that our sister’s writing was written with sincerity and objectivity. She says: I forgot such and such an obligation, and then she says: He directs me. But the man, it seems, is more serious than necessary. You have advised the woman, may Allah reward you with good, and it is a precious advice, without a doubt. But what about the men, Shaykh Abdul Aziz?
The Shaykh: It is the same for him; if Allah grants him the return to her, or if he is with the new wife, he must fear Allah and be good in his treatment of her. Allah (Glorified and Exalted is He) says: [al-Nisa: 19], and He says: : [al-Baqarah: 228]. The wives have a great right, and although the husband's right is greater and he has a degree above her right, he must not exploit his position to harm her, wrong her, or be unjust to her. She has a great right, and he has a right, and his right is greater, but he must fulfill the right that is upon him in good treatment, gentleness with the woman, pleasant speech with her, and giving her her rights. This is obligatory upon him. And it is obligatory upon her to reciprocate with love, good deeds, pleasant speech, fulfilling rights, and good treatment, and to go beyond that because he has a degree over her. This is the obligation of both of them.
As for if the husband wants her to be good while he is not good, this is not fair in any way. Rather, he must be fair to her, fulfill her right, and be good in his treatment of her until her heart opens to fulfilling his right and reciprocating with love and good treatment. We ask Allah for guidance for everyone. Yes.
The presenter: O Allah, amen. This excessive seriousness, or this strictness, or the strong personality that some men call it—how do you advise them regarding it, if you please, Your Eminence?
The Shaykh: It is obligatory for the man to strive for tolerance and forgiveness of some minor mistakes that are not important in his right. He should not demand his full right, but rather tolerate and forgive much. This is how the man should be, and this was how the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was with his wives, may peace and blessings be upon him. He was gentle with them, good in character with them, treated them with kindness, and tolerated much of what a woman might err in, or her tongue might slip, or she might be ignorant of, or the like. So, the man should be of tolerant character, good in conduct, and much in forgiveness and pardon regarding what pertains to his right. He should not demand his full right, but rather tolerate some of it. Then, when he reprimands, he should reprimand with gentleness, good speech, nice phrases, and clear guidance that contains no harshness, severity, or violence. O Allah, except if she is arrogant and stubborn. This is the place for severity with her because of her stubbornness, arrogance, and violence. But as long as she seeks his guidance and her speech is good, he should be even better. Yes.
The presenter: May Allah reward you.