I have chosen a girl of good character and religion to be my wife
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The questioner : A listener, A.S.S. from Jordan, sent a message saying: I have chosen a girl of good character and religion to be my wife, but when I told my father about it, he refused. I tried to convince him, but he insisted. I wanted to know the reason, and he said there is no reason. I am torn between obeying my father or giving up on this girl I have chosen, despite the psychological pain it causes me and her family. I ask for advice on the right path. May Allah reward you with good?
The Shaykh : This question requires that we offer two pieces of advice.
The questioner : Very well.
The Shaykh : The first piece of advice is for your father, since he has insisted on preventing you from marrying this woman whom you described as having good character and religion. It is obligatory for him to give you permission to marry her, unless he has a legitimate religious reason that he knows of. If so, let him explain it so that you are convinced and your heart is at ease. He should also consider this matter in his own heart: if his own father had prevented him from marrying a woman he liked for her religion and character, would he not see that this involves some bitterness for him and suppression of his freedom? If he is not pleased for this to happen to him from his father, how can he be pleased for it to happen from him to his son? The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:Sahih al-Bukhari 13 Therefore, it is not permissible for your father to prevent you from marrying this woman without a legitimate religious reason. If there is a legitimate religious reason, let him explain it to you so that you are fully informed.
As for the advice I am giving you, the questioner, I say: if you can give up on this woman in favor of another woman to please your father and out of concern for mending ties and avoiding discord, then do so. But if it is not possible for you, such that your heart is attached to her, and you also fear that if you propose to another woman, your father will prevent you from marrying her as well, because some people may have jealousy or envy in their hearts, even toward their own children, and prevent them from what they want, I say: if you fear this and are unable to restrain yourself from this woman to whom your heart is attached, there is no blame on you for marrying her, even if your father dislikes it. Perhaps after the marriage, he will be convinced, or perhaps he will accept what has happened and what is in his heart will be removed. We ask Allah to decree for you what is best in both matters.
The questioner : O Allah, amen. May Allah reward you with good.
The Shaykh : This question requires that we offer two pieces of advice.
The questioner : Very well.
The Shaykh : The first piece of advice is for your father, since he has insisted on preventing you from marrying this woman whom you described as having good character and religion. It is obligatory for him to give you permission to marry her, unless he has a legitimate religious reason that he knows of. If so, let him explain it so that you are convinced and your heart is at ease. He should also consider this matter in his own heart: if his own father had prevented him from marrying a woman he liked for her religion and character, would he not see that this involves some bitterness for him and suppression of his freedom? If he is not pleased for this to happen to him from his father, how can he be pleased for it to happen from him to his son? The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:
None of you will have faith till he wishes for his (Muslim) brother what he likes for himself.
لا يؤمن أحدكم حتى يحب لأخيه ما يحب لنفسهAs for the advice I am giving you, the questioner, I say: if you can give up on this woman in favor of another woman to please your father and out of concern for mending ties and avoiding discord, then do so. But if it is not possible for you, such that your heart is attached to her, and you also fear that if you propose to another woman, your father will prevent you from marrying her as well, because some people may have jealousy or envy in their hearts, even toward their own children, and prevent them from what they want, I say: if you fear this and are unable to restrain yourself from this woman to whom your heart is attached, there is no blame on you for marrying her, even if your father dislikes it. Perhaps after the marriage, he will be convinced, or perhaps he will accept what has happened and what is in his heart will be removed. We ask Allah to decree for you what is best in both matters.
The questioner : O Allah, amen. May Allah reward you with good.