My mother proposed a girl for me to marry, but I refused to marry her for personal reasons, and my mother became angry with me. Am I considered undutiful to my mother in this?
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The questioner : My mother proposed a girl for me to marry, and I refused this fiancée for some personal reasons. However, my mother insisted and became upset with me, and I insisted and swore that I would not marry this girl for personal reasons. Am I undutiful to my mother by doing this?
The Shaykh : You are not undutiful to your mother if you do not obey her in marrying a woman you do not desire, because this is a personal matter. Similarly, if she designated a specific food for you to eat and you do not crave it, and you disobey her regarding that, there is no sin on you and you are not considered undutiful. I also advise this mother and those like her not to force their son to marry someone he does not like, because the outcome will be severe unless Allah wills otherwise. It is not befitting for anyone to intervene in these matters; every person is aware of his own situation. One person may see what is in his interest that another does not see. Likewise, if his mother forced him to divorce his wife without a legal Islamic reason, and he loves his wife, and he disobeyed his mother regarding the divorce, there is no sin on him and he is not considered undutiful. Rather, the mother is the one who commits a sin by attempting to separate the spouses without a legal Islamic reason. For this reason, when a man asked Imam Ahmad, saying: "O Abu 'Abdullah, my father ordered me to divorce my wife, and I desire to keep her," he said: "Do not divorce her". The man said: "Is it not the case that Ibn 'Umar divorced his wife by the order of 'Umar?" Imam Ahmad said to him: "Is your father 'Umar?!" Meaning that 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) only ordered his son to divorce for a legal Islamic reason, whereas your father may be acting out of personal desire due to bad treatment between him and your wife, or because he is jealous of her because you love her. In any case, a son is not obligated to obey his parents in divorcing his wife unless there is a legal Islamic reason that necessitates separation. In that case, he obeys them for the sake of that legal Islamic reason.
The questioner : May Allah bless you.
The Shaykh : You are not undutiful to your mother if you do not obey her in marrying a woman you do not desire, because this is a personal matter. Similarly, if she designated a specific food for you to eat and you do not crave it, and you disobey her regarding that, there is no sin on you and you are not considered undutiful. I also advise this mother and those like her not to force their son to marry someone he does not like, because the outcome will be severe unless Allah wills otherwise. It is not befitting for anyone to intervene in these matters; every person is aware of his own situation. One person may see what is in his interest that another does not see. Likewise, if his mother forced him to divorce his wife without a legal Islamic reason, and he loves his wife, and he disobeyed his mother regarding the divorce, there is no sin on him and he is not considered undutiful. Rather, the mother is the one who commits a sin by attempting to separate the spouses without a legal Islamic reason. For this reason, when a man asked Imam Ahmad, saying: "O Abu 'Abdullah, my father ordered me to divorce my wife, and I desire to keep her," he said: "Do not divorce her". The man said: "Is it not the case that Ibn 'Umar divorced his wife by the order of 'Umar?" Imam Ahmad said to him: "Is your father 'Umar?!" Meaning that 'Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) only ordered his son to divorce for a legal Islamic reason, whereas your father may be acting out of personal desire due to bad treatment between him and your wife, or because he is jealous of her because you love her. In any case, a son is not obligated to obey his parents in divorcing his wife unless there is a legal Islamic reason that necessitates separation. In that case, he obeys them for the sake of that legal Islamic reason.
The questioner : May Allah bless you.