I am a young man aged 25, and my father and mother have been in a continuous dispute throughout their lives. If I show kindness to one, the other becomes angry and turns away from me.
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The questioner : He says in it that he is a young man who is twenty-five years old, and that his father and mother have been in a continuous dispute throughout their lives. If he shows kindness to one, the other becomes angry and turns away from him, and if he shows kindness to the other, the first becomes angry and accuses him of undutifulness to parents. What should he do, O honorable Shaykh, to be dutiful to both of them? And is he considered undutiful to his mother simply because he showed kindness to his father, or vice versa? We ask the honorable Shaykh for a reward-worthy answer.
The Shaykh : The answer to this is that we say that dutifulness to parents is among the most obligatory duties that humans owe to one another, due to the saying of Allah the Exalted:[An-Nisa 4:36] and His saying: [Al-Isra 17:23] and His saying the Exalted: [Luqman 31:14] The hadiths on this matter are very numerous. It is obligatory for a person to be dutiful to both of his parents, the mother and the father, by showing kindness to them with wealth, body, and status, and with every means of dutifulness he is able to. Even Allah the Exalted said in Surat Luqman: [Luqman 31:14-15] So He commanded to accompany these two polytheist parents who exert effort in directing their son or child toward shirk (associating partners with Allah), and yet Allah commanded that they be accompanied in this world with good conduct.
If that is the case, then what is obligatory for you toward your two parents, whom you mentioned are in a permanent dispute, and each of them becomes angry with you when you show kindness to the other, is two things. The first thing regarding the dispute between them is that you should try to reconcile them as much as you can until the dispute, enmity, and hatred between them are removed. This is because each of the spouses has rights over the other that he must fulfill, and part of being dutiful to your parents is that you try to remove these disputes so that the atmosphere remains clear and life is happy.
As for the second thing, what is obligatory for you toward them is that you fulfill your duty to each of them. You can avoid the anger of the other when you show kindness to his companion by concealing the kindness from him. So you show kindness to your mother in a matter your father does not know about, and you show kindness to your father in a matter your mother does not know about. By this, the desired outcome is achieved and the feared consequence is removed.
It is not befitting for you to be content with your parents remaining in this dispute and this quarrel, nor with this anger when you show kindness to the other. It is obligatory for you to clarify to each of them that showing kindness to the other does not mean cutting off ties with the other, i.e., cutting off the other. Rather, each of them has a share of the dutifulness that Allah and His Messenger commanded. Yes.
The questioner : May Allah bless you.
The Shaykh : The answer to this is that we say that dutifulness to parents is among the most obligatory duties that humans owe to one another, due to the saying of Allah the Exalted:
Worship Allah and associate nothing with Him, and to parents do good
وَاعْبُدُوا اللَّهَ وَلا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًاAnd your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًاBe grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.
أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ(14) And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. (15) But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them but accompany them in [this] world with appropriate kindness and follow the way of those who turn back to Me [in repentance]. Then to Me will be your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.
وَوَصَّيْنَا الإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ * وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلى أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًاIf that is the case, then what is obligatory for you toward your two parents, whom you mentioned are in a permanent dispute, and each of them becomes angry with you when you show kindness to the other, is two things. The first thing regarding the dispute between them is that you should try to reconcile them as much as you can until the dispute, enmity, and hatred between them are removed. This is because each of the spouses has rights over the other that he must fulfill, and part of being dutiful to your parents is that you try to remove these disputes so that the atmosphere remains clear and life is happy.
As for the second thing, what is obligatory for you toward them is that you fulfill your duty to each of them. You can avoid the anger of the other when you show kindness to his companion by concealing the kindness from him. So you show kindness to your mother in a matter your father does not know about, and you show kindness to your father in a matter your mother does not know about. By this, the desired outcome is achieved and the feared consequence is removed.
It is not befitting for you to be content with your parents remaining in this dispute and this quarrel, nor with this anger when you show kindness to the other. It is obligatory for you to clarify to each of them that showing kindness to the other does not mean cutting off ties with the other, i.e., cutting off the other. Rather, each of them has a share of the dutifulness that Allah and His Messenger commanded. Yes.
The questioner : May Allah bless you.