A woman says that she is engaged to my cousin, but my uncle does not approve of this marriage, even though his son is determined to marry her. Is it permissible for him to disobey his father?
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The questioner : She mentions that she is a girl engaged to her uncle’s son. She says: “But my uncle, the father of the boy, does not approve of his son marrying me, but his son is determined to do so. Is it permissible for him to disobey his father, even though his father swears and says, ‘She is forbidden to you, she is forbidden to you’? Is it permissible for her to agree to marry this boy?”
The Shaykh : I say first: I am offering advice to this uncle who is trying to prevent his son from marrying a woman he desires. He has no right to prevent his son from what he wants, unless he sees a Sharia-based obstacle that requires him to prevent it; in that case, it is a different matter.
Some people may tyrannize over their sons, forcing them to marry their brother’s daughters or the daughters of their tribe, and preventing them from marrying other women they desire. This is a mistake and an error. It is as if it were not his right to force him to eat a specific food he does not like; it is not his right to force him to marry a woman he does not want to marry. Let this uncle imagine that he is the one who wants to marry, and his father is preventing him from marrying the woman he wants. How would he feel? How would his heart be?
Also, some people, some fathers or mothers, try to force their son to divorce his wife while he wants to keep her. This is forbidden (haram) for them, and in this, they are imitating those about whom Allah said:[Al-Baqarah 2:102] It is not obligatory for the son to obey his father or mother if they order him to divorce his wife, unless there is a Sharia-based reason, in which case it is looked into.
One person asked Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal (may Allah have mercy on him) about this issue and said: “My father says: ‘Divorce your wife.’” Ahmad said: “Do not divorce her.” He said: “What about the hadith of 'Umar, where he ordered his son to divorce his wife, and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) ordered him to divorce her?” Imam Ahmad said to him: “Is your father 'Umar?!” indicating, may Allah have mercy on him, the difference between the order of the Commander of the Faithful, 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him), and the order of others. Because 'Umar would not order his son to divorce his wife except for a Sharia-based reason, whereas others might do so, or there might be something in their hearts regarding their son’s wife, or it might be jealousy if they see their son loves her.
The important point is that it is not obligatory for a person to divorce his wife if his father or mother orders him to divorce her, unless there is a Sharia-based reason, in which case it is looked into. Similarly, it is not obligatory for him to obey his father or mother in marrying a woman he does not want to marry. And likewise, they do not have the right to prevent him from marrying a woman he wants, unless there is a Sharia-based reason, in which case it is looked into.
Based on this, I say to the questioner: Marry this woman you want, even if your father prevents you from doing so, because he has no right to do that.
The questioner : May Allah bless you, O honorable Shaykh.
The Shaykh : I say first: I am offering advice to this uncle who is trying to prevent his son from marrying a woman he desires. He has no right to prevent his son from what he wants, unless he sees a Sharia-based obstacle that requires him to prevent it; in that case, it is a different matter.
Some people may tyrannize over their sons, forcing them to marry their brother’s daughters or the daughters of their tribe, and preventing them from marrying other women they desire. This is a mistake and an error. It is as if it were not his right to force him to eat a specific food he does not like; it is not his right to force him to marry a woman he does not want to marry. Let this uncle imagine that he is the one who wants to marry, and his father is preventing him from marrying the woman he wants. How would he feel? How would his heart be?
Also, some people, some fathers or mothers, try to force their son to divorce his wife while he wants to keep her. This is forbidden (haram) for them, and in this, they are imitating those about whom Allah said:
And [yet] they learn from them that by which they cause separation between a man and his wife
فَيَتَعَلَّمُونَ مِنْهُمَا مَا يُفَرِّقُونَ بِهِ بَيْنَ الْمَرْءِ وَزَوْجِهِOne person asked Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal (may Allah have mercy on him) about this issue and said: “My father says: ‘Divorce your wife.’” Ahmad said: “Do not divorce her.” He said: “What about the hadith of 'Umar, where he ordered his son to divorce his wife, and the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) ordered him to divorce her?” Imam Ahmad said to him: “Is your father 'Umar?!” indicating, may Allah have mercy on him, the difference between the order of the Commander of the Faithful, 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him), and the order of others. Because 'Umar would not order his son to divorce his wife except for a Sharia-based reason, whereas others might do so, or there might be something in their hearts regarding their son’s wife, or it might be jealousy if they see their son loves her.
The important point is that it is not obligatory for a person to divorce his wife if his father or mother orders him to divorce her, unless there is a Sharia-based reason, in which case it is looked into. Similarly, it is not obligatory for him to obey his father or mother in marrying a woman he does not want to marry. And likewise, they do not have the right to prevent him from marrying a woman he wants, unless there is a Sharia-based reason, in which case it is looked into.
Based on this, I say to the questioner: Marry this woman you want, even if your father prevents you from doing so, because he has no right to do that.
The questioner : May Allah bless you, O honorable Shaykh.